Collared: my life as a slave

Holiday Wishes

2009-12-22T07:27:00.003-05:00

I wanted to stop by and say thank you to all of you who have written to me making sure that I am okay. I am doing fine, life has just been very busy. I have been out of the country and involved in a very big project overseas so I have not had a lot of free time to write lately. I do think of you and this blog often and feel sad that I've neglected it. Hopefully soon I will be back to writing and expressing myself. I know I've said that before and each time I truly mean it, maybe this time it will actually happen.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season, and a joyous new year. May it be filled with erotic dreams and fantasies and may all your kinky wishes come true.

Peace to all, love to all!

A long time gone....

2009-09-01T22:57:00.002-04:00

Geez it's been a long time since I've sat at this computer. It seems the summer just slipped right on by. I've spent the last few hours catching up on blogs and reading about what has changed and what has not. For some there have been big momentous events and their lives are evolving others it seems are still on the same merry-go-round. Then again I often feel that way about my life as well same crap different day. Work has been all consuming as well as life. I'm not sure what direction I'm headed at the moment. I was in a huge slump not really sure which way it was going to go but it seems like it is starting to head in a good direction. So I'll keep my fingers crossed and hang on.

Hiatus

2009-07-01T21:00:00.004-04:00

Forgive me readers, I know I have been absent. There have been weddings, funerals, sickness, graduations, great adventurous trips etc that have all piled up in a matter of only a few months. Luckily I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

I can feel my creative juices starting to flow again. Little ideas that percolate in my head itching to get out. I'm not sure when but I will be back to share more of what my life and mind hold.

In the meantime I hope you are enjoying your summer, getting out there and experiencing the warm sunshine which there has been not nearly enough of. Or the cool rain that seems to endlessly fall around here. I stopped being miserable about the rain and have decided to embrace it. Standing in it letting it fall upon my face, feeling it soak through my clothing making it stick and cling to my body, the cool air creating goosebumps on my flesh. Feeling the sensuality of it as it kisses and slides down my body.

So go jump in a puddle, or roll down a grassy hill, go for a walk in a stream, do something childish and fun and remember what this life is supposed to be about. Experience, feel, live, we take life way too seriously most of the time. Embrace your inner child and be wild, youthful and fun. Until later....

Changes

2009-04-24T10:23:00.004-04:00

There seems to be a lot of changes going on with people lately. I've been reading some other blogs and it seems that many people are renegotiating their relationships. Maybe it's the spring and time for renewal and the time people use to reevaluate or clean house so to speak. Who knows but its nice to see that people aren't just stagnant and staying in something because they feel they have to or holding on to a dynamic that isn't working for them any longer.

I applaud those people whose relationships are more important to them than how people will percieve them. As people evolve so do relationships. I think most bdsm relationships go through evolution. They change, waxing and waning as things come up, stress and family. It's hard to maintain a M/s relationship at all times. I think this is where the whole 24/7 argument comes in. Some believe you have to maintain the outward appearance of the M/s dynamic at all times, to me that's just not realistic. I will argue with Master get snitty and sarcastic, maybe even appear to be telling him what to do, but I also know when to back off (well usually sometimes I don't and then I get that real strict tone that reminds me to tone it down). Does this not make me a "real" slave. Who knows and really who cares. Master and I are the ones in this relationship and our definitions are what run it, not anyone elses.

I've always said that I think the M/s dynamic is more of a head game. Its how you feel. I don't need a physical collar around my neck 24/7 to know that I belong to Master. Apart, together it doesn't matter there is a connection. There were times where we were not each other's primary partners, but even then there was an undeniable bond that placed me at his feet. I know that sounds strange and is hard for most people to understand because we live in a monogomous society. I can't explain it, not sure I want to, or feel the need to. Its just the way it is for us.

So to those people who are going through growing pains, I say do what is best for you. I for one won't judge your decisions and hope you keep on writing.

MIA

2009-04-23T22:44:00.001-04:00

Life has been super busy lately. I haven't forgotten all of you. I will be posting some new fun things in the next few days. Thank you for the e-mails. Things are fine, life has just been a bit hectic.

Anger

2009-03-15T22:20:00.004-04:00

What does a slave do when she gets angry?

I have a temper I'm the first to admit it. When I get angry I get loud, and lash out. If I get very angry I explode. Its as if something comes over me and I can't quite get a grip on it until it has passed through my system. Its a problem. One that I have been working on for many years and while I have curbed it and can control it to a point once its reached that point I lose control.

Luckily Master and I don't live together and he hasn't witnessed that major melt down. We do like to debate though so he knows when he gets me riled up I get louder, more passionate about my point and more frustrated when I feel that I'm not being heard. That's when he dispassionately and in that no nonsense voices tells me to calm down. Which often doesn't work particularly the first time because that just annoys me more. Eventually I just huff and stop talking all together. Stewing to myself. Then we either have to switch topics or I need to wander away before I feel that crazy meter start to rise.

But those are just silly little debates they aren't things more personal to our relationship. We haven't really had a fight. I've been upset, we've talked and things moved on but I've never been angry, well at least not toward him. So what is a slave with a temper to do? Its not an easy thing to deal with in a vanilla relationship. As I've said, I get myself in trouble all the time when it comes to passionate debates, I get frustrated and I curse, which is a big no-no, then I get more frustrated because I know I'm breaking rules and yet I still feel like I'm not getting my point across. I can't imagine what would happen if it was something that was personal to me, actually I can imagine and it wouldn't be pretty.

Master has a temper himself, although it is rarely seen, and I can honestly say I've never seen it it full out, but I can see his frustration rise. I often wonder what would happen if our tempers both flared at the same time. WWIII is what I imagine. I guess its lucky we've never found ourselves in that situation. In the meantime I guess I just keep working, trying to find ways to keep my crazy meter from rising too much and not let the emotion overtake the reasoning side of my brain. Easier said than done I know.

An offering

2009-03-13T06:13:00.002-04:00

I kneel naked at your feet.

My back is straight,

my knees spread,

hands behind my back.

My head is tilted to the side and bent back exposing my throat.

My breasts rise and fall with my breath,

my nipples are tight peaks,

wetness forms between my legs.

Goosebumps cover my flesh

not from being cold but the anticipation of what is to come.

I wait, vulnerable, submissive, an offering.

I am yours.

Male Submissives

2009-03-04T22:15:00.004-05:00

Corvan's comment to my last post made me think about male subs/slaves. I can't imagine how hard it may be for some men to accept their submissive sides. I know the disgust and negativity that is directed my way when people who don't understand these urges read my blog. I would imagine it is worse for male subs.

Men who even remotely appear to answer or care about what their girlfriend or wives think are labeled as pussy whipped or weak. It's even worse for those who may have lower paying jobs than the women they live with. If they aren't the main provider they aren't fulfilling their role as the "man of the house".

Strange to think that in this day these stereotypes are still so pervasive but they continue to be perpetuated. In some ways I think female subs have may have it easier. Many D/s, M/s relationships with female subs tend to follow a more traditional old fashioned relationship where the man is in charge and the woman submits. We see images of this all the time in old movies, and tv shows, we may even see it in our families. But reverse that dynamic and how many examples do you see? Not many.

Its funny though I often hear women talking about how they wish their man would do what they say, etc...but then when they see it in action they call the woman a bitch or they can't understand why the man puts up with it. Such a double standard.

Due to all these stereotypes about the way men "should" be I can imagine it is very difficult to embrace the opposite. The comments from others alone would be enough to get so many to push these feelings aside. I would imagine that many who can't truly accept it or can't identify their submissive need often unconsciously seek out abusively domineering women and then resent them for taking the control they don't really want but are afraid to admit.

I don't know maybe that's wrong but I do have to give kudos to those male subs/slave out there who have embraced their role and the dominant women who love, care and fulfill them in and open, healthy way. Breaking free of stereotypes is never easy.

What BDSM Has Taught Me

2009-02-26T06:13:00.002-05:00

I know many people don't understand the M/s dynamic. They think that those of us who participate in these types of relationships are sick, perverse, crazy etc. They think that as women we are weak, being taken advantage of and have low self-esteem. (Sorry I can't speak for the male subs/slaves out there but I'm sure people say similar things).

As I've posted previously, these ideas are even present in so called "kink friendly" books when authors have a bias that she or he just can't shake. It's no wonder so many people hide their kinky side or feel that there must be something wrong with them when they first find these feelings emerge. Its hard to find positive portrayals of bdsm relationships. I am so thankful for the blogger out there who share their positive stories and bring bdsm and sub/Dom feelings out of the dungeon to share with others.

There are so many positive aspects to my relationship with Master. He has taught me so much and enriched my life in so many ways. It makes me crazy to think that so many would condemn it as sick. Master has helped me to trust, to let go of insecurities, to enjoy the moment. He has taught me acceptance of the submissive side of myself and shown me that to be a Dom/Master doesn't mean you have to be a manipulative, hurtful jerk.

I don't find myself weaker or with lower self esteem as a result of my M/s relationship in fact I feel more confident, more at ease with who I am. I am able to stop being such a control freak and let go of more things. My relationship has enabled me to realize that my need for control is really an insecurity, and by letting go I am actually more in control than when I try to micromanage.

In learning to surrender I have learned so much about myself. My inner struggles and ultimate surrender during training lessons with Master can often teach me so much about how I relate to situations outside of my relationship and learn to let things go. Surrender comes in so many forms, can mean so many different things and can teach us so much. In my quest to let go I am finding more happiness because I am not trying to juggle everything around me.

I think when people peel back the layers of the bdsm relationship they will find so much more hidden underneath. Its time for people to unshackle themselves from limiting beliefs and let go.

Fat Tuesday

2009-02-24T06:25:00.004-05:00

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Rainy Days

2009-02-22T18:01:00.004-05:00

I lay in bed and listen to the rhythm of the rain as it bounces off the windows, the distinct hush of the cars as they drive down the wet road. I shiver and pull the blankets up higher. The bed feels so empty, so cold. I miss your warmth pressing into my back, your arms wrapped around me, the feel of your breath on my neck.

Its a lazy Sunday, a perfect day to stay inside and be tied to a bedpost, a chair or anything for that matter. But you aren't here, I'm on my own today. Thoughts of what your hands could be doing to me make me shiver. I haven't been given permission to come so I try to push these thoughts away but they keep coming back.

The sting of your hand, the whistle of a crop of whip as it slices through the air right before it stings my flesh raising red welts across my body that will fade in a few hours. The heat of my flesh after a good spanking, the cold wetness of the ice cube that you run down my back making me arch and gasp. The ache that forms between my legs begging for your touch.

My nipples harden, begging to be pinched between your fingers, or feel the tight pressure of clamps as they are fastened in place. My body arches off the bed. I want you. I know I have to stop this train of thought, its taking me to places I am not allowed to go right now. It's times like this when I feel the tightness of the collar around my throat. The knowledge that my body is not my own. It belongs to you. I squeeze my legs together only making the need worse. I sigh and fling the covers back gasping at the cold air, knowing it is exactly what I need. I need to clear my head think of other things, I get up and stagger to the bathroom, hoping a shower will help push these thoughts away. But then I start thinking of your hands slick with soapy bubbles caressing me as the water cascades across my body and realize I better make that a cold shower.

Letting The Leash Out

2009-02-19T06:13:00.001-05:00

I was in a particularly randy mood the other day. I'm not sure what came over me but geez was I was a horny little slut. Master played me until tears formed in my eyes allowing me to come several times, it was blissful.

My take charge attitude was in attendance though and luckily Master was in an indulgent mood because there were definitely points at which I was pretty direct in what I wanted and didn't ask but just took. I occasionally see this dominant part of my personality coming through and she doesn't like the word "no". I used to get pushy and angry when I didn't get my way but I have learned that forcing the issue doesn't lead to pleasant consequences. In fact just the opposite of pleasant.

Somewhere along the way my subconscious mind kicked in and I switched tactics. My submissive side now joins the dominant side in a manipulative game of begging and tying to convince Master that its really his idea.

Of course he will usually indulge me for a short period of time and then retake the control gathering my hands behind my back, grabbing a handful of my hair tightly and holding my head still as he forces his cock down my throat to the point of gagging and keeping it there. Allowing me to build myself up to the brink only to hold my hips so I am unable to move, so that I feel his cock deep inside me, filling me making my walls twitch around him. I struggle a little, whimpering and whining while the dominant nature flees as fast as she came replaced by the twitching obedient slut that I hide underneath.

I think he lets me entertain my delusions like this sometimes because he likes to watch me pout and throw a little temper tantrum when I don't get my way. Its like loosening up on the leash of a dog to only moments later reign it in reminding the pet who is really in control. Giving that sense of freedom only to be brought back under firm control. Its frustrating, entertaining, erotic and fulfilling.

Lessons in Surrender

2009-02-16T06:17:00.000-05:00

I sense your eyes on me and I try not to squirm. I lay on the couch on my belly in a pair of black lace panties. My knees are bent and my legs kick lazily back and forth. I am resting on my elbows my back arched as I focus on the book leaning on the arm of the couch in front of me.

It was easier before you came in the room. Easier before you sat in the chair across from me. I turn my head and look up at you through the strands of hair that have escaped the band holding the rest of it back and smile. I start to close the book but you shake your head and tell me to ignore you.

Ignore you? Yeah right.

Your eyes penetrate me burning into my skin. The hair on my arms stands up, my nipples tighten and a surge of heat rushes between my legs. I hate it when you watch me. It makes me aroused, anxious, irritated and afraid. All of my insecurities come rushing to the surface.

I want you to touch me, I want to make you touch me, but I know you won't. If you touch me I don't have to worry about what you are seeing. I don't have to wondering what I look like through your eyes. My eyes are very critical, yours are much more forgiving. Where you see beauty I see flaws.

When you touch me I can forget about your stare, I focus on the touch and get lost in the feeling.
But that's exactly why you won't touch me. Why you sit back and watch, knowing that I am squirming inside, fighting with myself to pretend you aren't there. To stop judging what you are seeing. To let go and surrender to who I am.

I look back at the book and stare at the page. Suddenly the words that were gliding together in perfect harmony only a moment ago are gibberish. The words that were forming amazing pictures that floated through my head read like a foreign language. I read the same line over and over not understanding a word.

I sigh and put my head down, my feet stop their lazy, carefree movement. I try to focus. My heart is pounding, and I feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly trying to calm myself. It's not like you are asking me to do something I don't do every day. Its not like this is a foreign task that I don't know how to perform, so why is it so difficult?

I am self conscious of every move, every breath. It would be easier if I knew you weren't paying attention, but you are. I hear your body shift in the chair as you wait for me to compose myself. I lift my head and look at the pages, trying not to turn my head and look at you. I stare at the words through a thin film of tears.

Slowly my eyes start to roam across the words at a halted pace. Eventually my mind starts to weave the story back together. My breathing slows and my feet start to gently move back and forth again. This is surrender, although I don't realize it yet. It won't be until you say something or touch me and I remember you are there that I will have realized I let go.

My Valentine

2009-02-14T06:13:00.003-05:00

I have a love hate relationship with Valentine's Day. I'm not sure I understand why we need a special day set aside to show the people we care about how much they mean to us. If you don't do this all the time then you are sorely missing out.

If you are single Valentine's Day usually sucks. You have to listen to everyone around you drone on about how wonderful their SO is and what romantic plans they have and what they bought for the other person and there you are twiddling your thumbs wishing they would drop dead. A single Valentine's Day is worse then spending New Years alone. I think its because of all the hype to be in a relationship.

Corporate America has taught us that something personal, a beautiful letter, poem or note is not enough. The "true" measure of our love is in how much we spend. I just don't see it that way. I am much more impressed with a good card, or hand written note than I am some elaborate gift.

I don't need a special day to feel important to Master. He shows me that he cares all the time in the little things he does. Those are the important moments not the ones we feel brow beaten into because it is expected. If I didn't feel appreciated before Valentine's Day an expensive gift is only going to make me feel worse. Crazy huh? But its true. If I'm only worthy of appreciation one day a year when the calendar says you're supposed to tell me how much I matter to you then please don't bother. I'll take the little every day things over big elaborate hub bub any day.

The perfect Valentine's Day present? To fall asleep in Master's arms after he has roughly manhandled and ravaged me leaving me quivering, and crying blissful tears from the emotional overload. Of course some chocolate wouldn't hurt either.

The Trouble With Sexperts

2009-02-10T06:39:00.004-05:00

I was browsing through a book the other day and came across this headline: Light kink is sexy, Heavy kink is not....which got me thinking (a dangerous hobby I know).

First I wasn't sure what light kink was compared to heavy kink in the authors mind because it really differs. The author believes that "Once you go beyond anal sex, tie and tease, and fantasy S&M games -which are more about costumes than implements of torture - it isn't about sex anymore." She further went on to state that practitioners of "heavy kink" are troubled people who have negative views of sex and that if S&M play is more than occasional and leaves marks the participants need to seek help.

Wow. I was stunned. This is a woman who wrote a book about kink but doesn't seem to understand it. I guess I fall under her category of sick people who need help because my play sometimes does leave marks, and for me slavery is a mindset that goes beyond sex and the bedroom. Funny though I don't view sex negatively, I see it as something wonderful, passionate, erotic and fun.

I wasn't quite sure I understood her comment about implements of torture either. Who sets the standards of what are considered implements of torture and what are considered acceptable kink paraphernalia. I guess rope, blindfolds, cuffs, feathers, corsets and leather are okay but is a whip too much? A cane? A crop? What about nipple clamps, ball gags, anal hooks where do we draw the line?

I admit that some people's kink goes beyond what I would consider sexy, arousing, erotic and even in some cases sane but if they are happy, functioning adults I say let them be. There are too many unhappy dysfunctional people out there, if two consenting people find something that turns them on, is legal, makes them happy and doesn't interfere directly with other peoples lives why should it matter what they do? Should we stand up and tell them they are dysfunctional and need help? Isn't this the same thing that many are doing to gay and lesbians around the country and around the world? They don't understand so they label it wrong and sick, create laws against it and say they need help. Scary.

The author further goes on to state that those who are "heavily" involved in bdsm do not have wild, passionate, out of control sex. I had to laugh at this one because according to her broad definition of "heavy" kinksters, I fit this category and my sex life is pretty passionate, and has been known to be "out of control". So I'm not sure whose bedroom she is peaking in but she needs to find some new friends.

She compared those into "heavy" kink to fundamentalist Christians because of their rigid adherence to rules. Okay I'm not in total agreement with this statement but I can understand where she got this perception. I've run across people who had more rules than I could wrap my head around and lived by a strict set of guidelines but I'm not sure they would consider themselves so rigid they were unadventurous and that their sex was so choreographed that it was passionless and rigid. (Where do people come up with this stuff!)

It makes me sad that people continue to perpetuate the idea that bdsm is dysfunctional and sick. Books like this that seem to promote kink as something normal and okay but have a very judgemental view on what is acceptable and what is not. In reading the different stories you can feel the authors judgement of some of the people she interviewed. She is touted as a renowned sex author but I guess you need to fit into her mold in order to be considered "healthy". Oh she brings to light many different fun stories but there is this underlying tone that made me shiver and not in a good way!

Just the simple letters bdsm strikes outrage in so many. They can't fathom that functional people can be into it. They see it as a fringe society where we dress goth all the time and don't live normal lives. They can't fathom that the stay at home soccer mom likes to be spanked, called a slut and made to crawl, or that the male executive down the hall likes to be mastered by a Domme, who sodomizes him and makes him lick her boots, or that grandmother playing at the park with her grandchildren might owned and spends her nights collared on her knees with a cock down her throat. To so many, bdsm is relegated to back room sex clubs where naughty perverted sex addicts abuse each other, it isn't something "normal" people do.

When I come across books like this I am happy that there are blogs and other material out there that sheds a more positive light on bdsm. That in our own ways we are helping to dispel the myths that surround bdsm. There are always the crazy few that make their way into the headlines and shed a negative light on anything but as more of us speak we are hopefully creating more understanding. I'm not trying to say that kink is the only way, and everyone should drop their vanilla ways, but my hope is to shed some light on it and hopefully promote more understanding so that it doesn't continue to be labeled as sick, dysfunctional and abusive anymore.

Tease

2009-02-07T10:19:00.005-05:00

I lay on side on the bed in my panties and bra.
"Push your thoughts aside and just feel" he says.
The rough sensation of his hand against my skin makes me tingle.
I love he way his fingers gently dancing across my flesh right before he pinches or slaps me.
"Close your eyes"
I do as I'm told, laying there my eyes shut focusing on his touch.
Across my belly, my hips, down my thighs, his hands go where they want after all I am his.
He doesn't ask when he pulls my panties down in the back exposing my ass.
I feel naughty, exposed, my panties half off his hand kneading and parting the rounded cheeks of my ass.
I push back into him which must have been what he was waiting for since when he achieved it his hands moved on.
Back up across my belly traveling to my breasts.
I reach back to unhook it for him but he stops me.
"Relax, if I want it off I'll take it off."
His hand reaches under my bra, gripping my breast.
His fingers rolling and gently flicking my nipple. First one then the other.
I don't want him to stop.
It feels so good.
I want to press my breasts harder into his hands but don't worried it will make him stop like it did when he had his hands on my ass.
After a few moments though I lose that precious control and my body takes over, my brain shuts down.
I press my chest forward.
When his hand slips from under my bra I make a soft whimper.
I knew it was going to happen but I had hoped it wouldn't stop.
His hand makes its way slowly back to my ass where he begins to gently spank me.
The strikes are more like pats but begin to increase in strength.
I feel the heat building within me.
I can imagine the redness of my flesh under his hand.
I wiggle and push back even though each sting of his hand increases in pain.
I can't help it I want more.
My flesh feels alive, tingling, flushed with heat.
All too soon he stops and pulls me tight against him.
I feel his hardness pushing against my ass.
I push back but he stills me with a firm grip on my hips.
"Not yet" He says.
And his hand moves back up to caress my belly, his fingers slipping into the front of my panties teasing me as they quickly slide back out.
He pulls my panties down the rest of the way tossing them aside.
His hands now roam free his fingers softly tickling the inside of my thigh, grazing across my clit and then quickly away.
He cups his hand between my legs, one finger slipping briefly between my lips feeling my wetness.
I wiggle wanting more but he holds me where I am.
His hand tightens slightly, "this is mine along with the rest of you, I know you want more but right now I am enjoying my exploration. This may be all you get. I havent' decided if I will allow you more or if I will use you today. Perhaps I will just tease you today and use you tomorrow."
I whimper, pushing into his hand.
"Be good and I may change my mind and use you sooner rather than later although I do like the thought of you walking around all day with wet panties."
"Please Master" I whisper.
"We shall see." he said as he thrust two fingers deep inside me and then quickly removed them.
I whimpered and groaned knowing that it was going to be along day.

Cage Of My Own Making

2009-02-01T08:24:00.006-05:00

It's so interesting how the mind works. I find that when I break a rule or misbehave in some way I wind up punishing myself far more than Master ever could. I dwell on it, try to figure out the motive behind it, try to see if there is some unconscious thought behind it. Then I just wind up making myself miserable and in my head. As I've said before, I think too much.

I have to state that it doesn't only happen within the context of my relationship with Master, its something I struggle with in other aspects of my life as well. So how to break this cycle? Well I guess its about forgiveness. Forgiveness of self. Not always an easy thing to do.

I am hard on myself. When I mess up I internalize it, which I know is self destructive. Maybe it stems from childhood with an overcritical family. Whatever it is I need to learn to let go. Ahh there we go, forgiveness and surrender, my two biggest challenges in life.

I know that when I struggle and go through my internal battle with whatever task or situation I am in with Master, I rail and scream and then give in and surrender, realizing the freedom in it. But then later when I think back on it I beat myself up about the process. Okay not always, but occasionally. I think it depends on the situation or how hard the surrender was for me. Sometimes I surrender when I have an "ah ha" moment when something clicks and it makes sense, other times its just about me letting go and trusting...thats when I think I have the hardest time. Then I struggle to forgive myself the battle, for some reason assuming that just because I've been a slave for a long time I should automatically just give in, my personality should change and surrender should come easy.

Or maybe its not about forgiveness and its just about surrender without judgment. Its so easy to talk or think about just letting these thoughts and feelings pass through my head without judgment. It would also be healthier than what I do. To just acknowledge that I have these feelings, that they are there, that its okay and move on. Surrendering to the thoughts and realizing the freedom in not having to label them or process them or figure them out...just letting them be.

Perhaps for me, I have to go through forgiveness to get to this place where I can watch without judgement. Forgive myself the need to label and analyze things, then watch as the labels disappear when I don't give them the significance that they once had. Breaking free of the cage of my own making, not the chains that bind me to Master but the ones I've forged on my own.

Broken Rules

2009-01-28T06:26:00.003-05:00

I haven't been the best slave recently, I've broken one of my main rules (cursing) at least 3 times in the last 2 days. It's like my brain shut off and I can't stop myself. I do it, I realize I just messed up and I hope that Master didn't catch it. Of course he always does. I'm not sure what's going on, I know this is a hard rule for me but I'm usually not this bad. The other piece is that when I would slip up before I would acknowledge it and apologize immediately, now I cross my fingers that he didn't hear it. Whats up with that?

When I sit back and analyze it I get all in my head and get even more confused. Do I want to be punished? Am I unconsciously pushing a limit to see what happens? Is it truly just a slip up? Is there just a thing?

I don't know, I just know something has to change. I feel like I've been walking around with my head in the clouds. Maybe that's why its happening, I'm looking for grounding. Life has been quite chaotic (well more than usual) and my head has been spinning with questions I just don't have the answers to, or maybe I do and just don't want to listen to them.

Maybe these small acts of defiance are my subconscious mind seeking grounding. A way to get out of my head and back in my body. Or maybe I'm using it as a way to escape (not in a good way more in an avoidance way) what's going on in my head hoping that my "slip ups" will lead to physical punishment that will help me avoid my mental junk.

Or maybe I just think too much.

Happily Content

2009-01-18T23:37:00.004-05:00

I lay on the bed excitement and nervousness coursing through me. Master told me earlier that he was going to crop me later but you never know with him, he could have just been saying that to excite me and stir me up or he could have meant it. Lying there I was torn between hoping he meant it and nervous. I love Master's crop. I love the way it feels when the leather stings my ass with that sharp snap, I love it when he drags the tip of it across my body, or tickles my nipples with it. I know the pain it is capable of causing and yet I crave it.

I heard Master enter the bedroom and my body tensed not knowing what to expect. I heard the whistle before I felt the sting and my body tensed, exactly what I knew it shouldn't do because it always hurt worse when it did. It wasn't Master's crop it was his flogger and it whistled in the air again and again as stung my back, my ass and the back of my thighs. I lay there willing myself to relax into the feeling but it was difficult. He ran his cool hand down my back every now and then admiring the color and just when I thought another round would begin I felt a familiar tickle on my back as Master ran his crop up my back and then down again. As it reached my ass I couldn't help from wiggle a little and then I felt its bite. Again and again rotating between the two Master whipped me until I looked like I had just stepped out of a tanning booth. The heat on my back increasing with each stoke. I waffled between pain and arousal not knowing whether I wanted him to stop and take me or keep going and prolong my torment.

Master did stop eventually and lay down on the bed allowing me to hungrily lick, suck and worship his cock. I knelt beside him my ass within easy reach in case he wasn't finished cropping me. My body was pleasantly tingling from the beating and feeling Masters hardness between my lips was making me squirm with desire. I wanted him inside me but knew I was going to have to wait. As I tended to my task I felt a tickle between my thighs and Master told me to open my legs for him. I obeyed and was rewarded by the feeling of the leather tip of Masters crop grazing my clit. I gasped and began moving my hips back and forth. He slid the leather further between my legs making me straddle the crop and then he began to slide it back and forth in time with my hips creating a lovely friction against my clit, the feel of the shalft gliding between my legs as I coated it in my slick wetness. Master only allowed a slight pressure driving me crazy making me want to ride it harder, and getting me wetter.

Master praised me telling me what a good slut I was, telling me how he wanted me really wet which was no problem with his crop riding me to the edge. Finally he pulled his cock out of my mouth, smacked my ass and told me to climb on top. I quickly jumped up and impaled myself on his cock, driving him deep within me. I faced away from him my hands between his legs as he thrust in and out of me riding me using my hips as handles, and occasionally gripping my ass hard and giving it a smack. My long curly hair dangled in my face as he road me hard making me feel wild and wanton. I struggled to hold back until I heard him quietly tell me to come for him, and I did, so quickly in fact it was almost defiant. I moaned and bucked as my orgasm ripped through my body and I felt him empty himself inside me. I was sweaty and sore but I was happily content as I collapsed lying there panting, Master still deep inside me.

Another Rant

2009-01-15T17:41:00.007-05:00

Okay I usually don't like spouting about my political views but I am stunned by this latest "gift" from the current and thankfully soon to be gone administration. Apparently in December the Bush administration pass a rule limiting the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information when they visit a federally funded health care provider. It would allow individual health care providers to redefine abortion to include the most common forms of birth control and then refuse to provide these basic services. WTF!(sorry Master I will take any punishment for that one it is the only way to express the outrage I am feeling at this moment).

How does this affect me you may wonder? Well now anti-choice medical staff can withhold information about abortion, birth control and sex education from their patients. Facilities that receive federal funding such as Planned Parenthood will have to certify that they will not refuse to hire nurses and other providers who object to abortion and even certain types of birth control. So now a doctor who opposes pre-marital sex could refuse to provide a prescription or even information about emergency contraception to an unmarried woman.

Planned Parenthood is currently filing a lawsuit asking the court to invalidate this administrative regulation. But this will unfortunately not be an easy fight. Planned Parenthood is also asking the Obama administration to overturn this ruling immediately. You can sign a petition to reverse this action here.

For any health provider to intentionally withhold information about any treatment options from a patient for any health condition is absolutely unconscionable under any circumstances. It’s outrageous that President Bush used his last days in office to implement a rule that would limit the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and the sad part is that so many people aren't even aware that it happened! I mean its half way through January and I just found out about it! Please get the word out and help overturn this absurd ruling.

To read the NY times article from Nov. 2008 about this click here

For more links to articles about this click here

Communication

2009-01-14T13:38:00.004-05:00

It seems that communication, or lack of communication has been stirring up a lot of people's relationships recently. There are blog posts, and board topics popping up everywhere about it...maybe its the time of year for this type of thing but it's interesting that so many people are dealing with this issue right now. Personally I think the stress of the holidays and the economic crisis facing the country and hitting all of our wallets is a huge contributing factor but nevertheless, I think communication issues are things that plague all relationships again and again.

I really try to communicate right away with Master when something starts to bother me or nag at me but sometimes I just can't seem to find the words. That's when I get in my head. Is it me? Did I do something? Then I reverse it with thoughts of , its just lack of sleep, its no big deal, I'm sure this will just pass. Either way I go round and round until I get the guts to say something and then it usually turns out to be nothing that a quick 2 minute conversation would have satisfied instead of spending days arguing with myself about whether or not to say something. Silly me.

Then there are the times when I just can't seem to find the nerve to bring something up in person but I can write about it. I'll send Master an e-mail, or post something here. Not the most direct type of communication, and not the most wise either but its a step. At least I'm getting it out when before I would just sit on it and stew. Its interesting, for someone so open about so many things I can also be very closed and guarded. But that's learned behavior from past experiences, and its a tough habit to break but I also know I have to try because when you close off communication you just create more problems.

I also find that there are times that I think I have the guts to bring something up but then I feel that it might not be the right time for Master. It might seem to me that he has too much on his plate at the moment and doesn't need to "deal" with my insecurities or issues so I keep my mouth shut (well at least for talking!) but now I'm wondering if I just shouldn't at least ask if its a good time to talk or mention that something is bothering me and see if its a good time. If I try to play mind reader and get it wrong, I could be getting myself in more trouble and asking seems like a much better alternative.

Then there are the other kinds of communication issues which are really about the way in which we communicate. For example I am a fixer by nature, if you talk to me and present me with a problem or issue you are having I will feel compelled to "fix" it. I am really learning how to just sit back and listen and not always offer advice or to at least ask if they want any advice but it tough. It's particularly tough when it comes to communication with Master.

Its a rough balance for me to know if I'm crossing the line into being cocky, bossy and demanding or just trying to be helpful. I know its all about tone, body language etc but that's not always easy when you are writing an e-mail, and its sometimes even difficult on the phone. I don't believe I've actually crossed that particular line (yet) but I really work at it.

I can be quite passionate about things and I do get rather wound up about certain topics, and in that regard Master has had to reign me in and tell me to chill. It's my tone more than my comments, unless of course I lapse into a stream of cursing, which does happen and gets me in a ton of trouble. Of course once in that mode it's not always so easy to turn that off, but I try.

Then there is the fact that I'm just a sarcastic and playful person. I don't do it to be disrespectful and do try to reign it in under certain circumstances but sometimes I just can't help myself and something slips out, but its usually meant in a fun light. (Good thing Master has a sense of humor!) Although if I'm tired or not feeling well I can be very short, or snarky in my comments which usually gets me a look or worse.

Communication is hard work, no wonder we struggle with it!

Title Origins

2009-01-03T19:00:00.007-05:00

Sometimes the internet sucks you in and won't let go - like today for instance. I just couldn't let this whole "you must call me Master" stuff go....so I went on a fact finding mission.

I sometimes use Sir to address other Doms/Masters on boards as a sign of respect...sort of like calling someone Mr (fill in their last name), with people outside the bdsm community. Even though Sir is an honorific given to knights, it is also given to one of superior rank or status, which is quite fitting in the circumstances I use it in. Of course those Masters/Doms who are rude, and treat other peoples property as their own I don't feel deserve this respect or superior status. I wouldn't walk into someone elses house and start behaving as if it were mine, and I wouldn't expect someone else's pet to give me the same respect they give their owner....its the same thing.

Of course while on my search I came across the address of Mr. which is actually a shortened of the word Master, although most people think it is the shortened form of Mister, and so now the address of Master is now only used to address young boys under the age of 13. (Which is kind of funny if you think about it).

Of course as most of us know Master is also used as an honorific within the bdsm community to describe the Owner or dominant partner of a M/s relationship. On my random and quite useless search through the internet regarding these titles (can you tell I was bored today) I found this:

Usage of "Master" in most BDSM environs does not imply any specific expertise, abilities or formal training. Although the Master is understood to have authority over the slave in some sense, this never extends to one's legal rights and thus there must always be an implicit element of consent involved.

How nice of someone to realize that there needs to be an implicit element of consent for someone to be considered a Master, and since there is no implied consent on my part to those other than my Owner there should be no reasonable expectation of my calling them by that name.

I also liked this little tidbit I found....

To successfully maintain a Master/slave relationship takes abilities and skills beyond or apart from normal relationship skills.

I wonder what those other abilities and skills are? Rope tying 101, How to use a flogger?, How about where to strike your slave so it leaves the least bruises? (Or the reverse if you are into that).

Actually snarky comments aside I'm not sure I agree that maintaining an M/s relationship takes abilities beyond those of a vanilla relationship. I think it takes trust, open communication and some chemistry, not necessarily sexual chemistry either since not all M/s relationships are sexual in nature but that's a whole other topic.

None of these are necessarily a skill or ability beyond normal. So after I stopped laughing and thinking of funny skills or abilities that might be required and tried to formulate a more mature idea of what they were talking about, I found myself stumped. I just couldn't come up with anything that I thought of as an ability or skill beyond those of normal relationships that are needed to maintain an M/s relationship. If you can think of anything I'm all eyes.

Rant

2009-01-03T08:52:00.005-05:00

Why do so many Masters/Doms think that all slaves/subs should revere them and submit to them?

In my opinion just because you identify as a Master doesn't necessarily mean that I owe you my servitude. I submit to my Master, I am polite to other Doms/Masters or at least I try to be polite, it doesn't always work. I think sometimes people think to dominate you have to be rude, impolite or put others down in order to build yourself up. I hate to break it to those people but that's not the way it works in my world and I have a bit too much dominance in me to put up with egotistical morons who think the world revolves around them just because they discovered BDSM and have designated themselves a Dom.

I think the main thing is that everyone has different rules that they need to follow, mine don't include having to submit or put on a pedestal anyone who identifies as a Master. I answer to my Master, I follow his rules, orders, and quite frankly he is the only one I care about offending or disobeying. I also do not and will not (unless ordered to) refer to anyone else as Master. If I use that title with everyone what is there to differentiate mine with all the others? To me it is a title of Ownership. Since I only have one owner I can only refer to one person as Master.

I apologize for the rant but I received one too many e-mails from patronizing SOB's telling me I don't show enough respect for other Doms in my posts on some of the boards and that since I identify as a slave I should call all dominates Master...uh I don't think so.

Almost Perfect

2009-01-02T21:23:00.014-05:00

I was tired, cold and crashing from a carbohydrate coma from stupidly believing yummy high carb foods would keep me going...duh not, now my body was crashing. I hadn't slept well the night before, my train this morning had run 1/2 hour late and then I spent 1 1/2 hour getting to my destination and then another half hour navigating the subway system of an unfamiliar city. I was definitely verging on cranky. I partially blame myself for deciding not to drive to see Master this time but with the holidays and the traffic a relaxing train ride sounded much better and despite the minor aggravations I still think it was the right decision.

Master and I had just gotten back from running some errands and while it was the middle of the day I just couldn't bring myself to not wander into the bedroom to lay down. I lay sideways across the foot of the bed and grabbed the paper I had just brought upstairs. I wasn't sure if we were staying or leaving right away. So while my first inclination was to undress, as Master prefers to keep me, I thought I had better stay clothed in case he wanted to leave right away. I didn't want him cranky by having to wait for me.

I lay on my stomach, up on my elbows, my knees bent, toes slightly pointed and kicked my legs slowly back and forth. Master wandered into the bedroom and gave me a funny look he can't understand why I don't lay on a bed the "normal" way. I can never seem to lay on a bed straight unless its time to sleep, and even then I have a hard time. I am always diagonal or sideways or some other ways. Sometimes my head is at the end of the bed, sometimes up by the pillows, and sometimes I am standing on the floor just leaning on the bed reading a book or a newspaper, using my laptop or whatever (I know its strange, I'm quirky and I'm okay with that.)

He shooed my feet out of the way and lay down with his head propped up against the pillows watching me. I looked up at him, quickly folded the paper back up and moved it to within his reach. Master put his hand on it and told me to strip. I wasn't sure if I was in trouble or not for not having already done this, but he didn't seem upset with me. My mind wavered between apologizing for not having already done this and just keeping quiet because sometimes I tend to over think things and that gets me in worse trouble. I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again, made quick work of shedding my clothing and crawled back up on the bed next to him figuring this might be one of those times to stay silent.

I lay my head on Masters shoulder while he read the paper and absently stroked my back. It was wonderfully relaxing. We tried doing the crossword puzzle but got stumped half way through sometimes it's hard to come up with a four letter word for a sword that starts with an e, especially when your mind starts wandering toward other more vigorous activities. (Btw the answer would be epee)

Master put the paper down and gave my ass a few soft taps followed by a few more forceful slaps. The stinging pain quickly snapped me out of my drowsy half sleep, making parts of my body flush and take notice. I maneuvered my body sideways to better accommodate him. (I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that I really enjoy being spanked!) My ass was stinging within a few moments, each blow arousing me further and making me wince, twitch and whimper. I moved my head toward his lap hoping he would allow me to hold his cock in my mouth while he continued his assault upon my ass.

He seemed to be in an accommodating mood because I quickly found his warm flesh between my lips and halfway down my throat. I groaned in appreciation as I ran my tongue up and down while sliding him in and out of my mouth. My body was on fire and I was becoming lost to the sensations. Master grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled my head up leaving a trail of drool running down my chin.

"Come here." He said and pulled me down next to him my ass pressed against his hard cock. "Open your legs" he ordered and I quickly obeyed, helping him slide inside me making me whimper and press back taking him deeper inside my body. I was very aroused and wanted him to just take me hard and fast but of course Master had other plans.

He held me tightly against his body, only allowing the briefest of movement just making me feel. I shuddered, struggling to move closer, to drive him deeper, I wanted more. If I had been standing up I might have stamped my foot I was feeling like a petulant child not getting her way. I whimpered and pouted but he held me tight, whispering in my ear all that had just been done to me, all that he planned to do. I continued to struggle until his hand slipped up around my throat. Just holding me like that, not squeezing just a gentle grip on my throat and I instantly stilled, my mind quieted and I allowed him to guide me slowly.

"That's a good girl." He said. "Surrender. Who owns you?"

"You do Master." I whispered.

"That's right. And do you know what just happened to you?"

I shook my head no. My mind was still foggy with arousal and I was having a hard time trying to understand his questions.

"Were you told to strip?"

"Yes Master" I replied.

"Were you spanked?"

"Yes Master" My voice quivered. My arousal barely contained.

"Did you suck cock?"

"Yes Master."

"And now what is happening?"

"You are taking my body, using me for your enjoyment Master." I whimpered, my breath coming faster, my nipples tightening.

"That's right. So you were stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and then used."

I groaned and haltingly responded, "Yes Master, I was stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and used for your pleasure."

"Good girl." He said. "Would you like to come?"

"Yes Sir!" I practically shrieked, his slow methodical torture driving me mad.

"Not yet, I think you need to learn some more control."

A sob escaped my throat and I felt my anger flare. How dare he! I hated when he pulled this, taking me to the brink and then letting me simmer, or even worse denying me satisfaction. My arousal lessened as my anger took hold. I felt myself begin to struggle. Master must have felt it also because his grip on my throat tightened and I felt my anger slip away replaced by surrender.

"Watch that anger slave, you need to learn more control over your emotions. Now calm down or you will be denied."

"Yes Master" I whispered, slowing my breath, my anger still simmering in the back of my mind but I held it in check and released myself to Masters will.

"Good." He said, releasing his grip but keeping his hand where it was.

My desire began to grow again as his movements increased, thrusting deeper and harder inside me. He took me back to the brink again, holding me there. My breath coming faster, my mind trying hard to hold back, to hold still, to allow him to guide me. My body started quivering from the strain, sweat coating my body.

"Come for me." he whispered thrusting harder inside me.

It took me a moment for me to comprehend his words I was concentrating so hard on holding back. I relaxed my mind, and just let myself feel. Within moments I gasped and sobbed, my body arching backward, the slight pressure of his hand on my throat sending shivers down my spine, the thoughts of what he could do to me making it that much more erotic in my head. Tears ran down my cheeks, my body on fire. Master slowed, barely moving behind me while my body bucked and clenched around him.

I lay there in Masters arms, my emotions so raw I couldn't stop the tears.

"I'm sorry I'm such a brat Master. Thank you for being so good to me." I mumbled through my tears.

He grabbed my face and turned my face to look at him but I couldn't look him in the eye. I was ashamed of my behavior earlier.

"Look at me." He said forcefully.

I struggled to obey not wanted to be disobedient twice. I slowly raised my eyes to his. He looked at me, wiped a tear away with his fingers, and said "You are not a brat, you are a good slave. Are there times that you need to be reminded of your place? Yes, but you are too hard on yourself, I don't expect perfection. I know you struggle sometimes but ultimately you surrender. "

I just started at him, not knowing what to say, an inner war raging in my head. He was right I am hard on myself. I expect perfection and struggle when I don't achieve it. I don't know how to change that, its an ongoing process that I have seen small changes in but it is going very slowly and I'm not good with waiting.

"Thank you Master." I said because it was the only thing I could say. Anything else would have gotten me in trouble. The 'I'll try to be better' thoughts I kept to myself. He pinched my nose and let go of my face. I turned away, snuggled back into him, and gave in to my exhaustion.

Thank You

2009-01-02T09:38:00.008-05:00

I was trying to figure out what post would make a good start to 2009 and I can't think of anything better than to say....

Thank you Master for your Ownership.

I am grateful for your patience, your strictness, your control, and your care. Being a dominant personality in my daily life sometimes makes my submission difficult, but through your guidance I have found such freedom and clarity in surrendering that control. As I barrel through life I often overwhelm and stress myself out. You reign me in reminding me that letting go while sometimes painful holds great rewards.

I am yours. Your slave, your slut, your property, whether together or apart that piece of my soul that you captured long ago reminds me always of who I answer and belong to. Our circumstances have changed many times since I felt that lock snap shut on the collar around my throat but there has never been any question of who Owns me. My collar may be invisible to most but it binds me in service to you. It is never far from my mind and guides many of my thoughts and actions.

I am here to please you, to obey, to surrender. I don't always do so with grace and sometimes need a strong hand to guide me back but a pat on my head and a "good girl" sends shivers through my body and makes my heart swell with joy. Thank you Master for guiding me on this wondrous, sometimes painful, but always rewarding journey.

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T23:45:00.001-05:00

I'm not big on resolutions, I feel like they are usually unreasonable promises that we make to ourselves and/or others that only last about a month before we realize that we tried to tackle an almost impossible feat.

But I will break down and make one this year....well sort of since this is really my wish for every year. I strive every year to be a more enlightened, tolerant, happy person than I was the year before. This is a big task but there is no promise to do this that or the other in order to prove that I've done it. The only measure is my own, and since I feel that we can always take the opportunity to improve ourselves this is something I feel I can accomplish.

I wish everyone a happy, safe and wonderful 2009. May good things come your way, and if they don't may you handle them with grace and know that you are not alone.

24/7?

2008-12-31T10:26:00.004-05:00

There is always some big debate raging by people in the bdsm world about being 24/7 in this life and those who find that this is impossible and just a really fake designation because no one can be 24/7. I don't mind the debates, I actually find some of the points on both sides fascinating but what I hate to see is the venom and anger that spews from these discussions. What happened to people being able to express their opinions? Why people can't seem to be civil and not take things so personally I can't figure out. I know there are people out there who thrive on drama and need it as part of their lives but geez, is it so difficult to discuss things in an adult fashion?

I have learned over the years not to make statements on public bulletin boards directed at a particular person and to always make comments and statements from my perspective and about my experience. My comments still get taken out of context and people have thought I'm directing negative comments at the way they live. I guess this is all part of human nature, this need to be right or maybe its learned behavior where some people feel they are always being put down and criticized and they can't see that just because someone doesn't agree with you they aren't necessarily against you either. They remain in this fight mode feeling the need to constantly prove a point.

You can see some of this more clearly in the more hot button issues of abortion and gay marriage. Oh there are those who blatantly are against these issues but then there are those who don't agree with them for themselves but really feel that we shouldn't create laws against them. I am not going to express my personal opinion on either of these issues I don't want to get into a debate about that...that's material for a different blog, this one is about my M/s relationship and bdsm so back to the 24/7 debate but those issues give really good examples of what I am talking about. People on both sides are often very adamant about their beliefs often to the point of thinking someone is always against their point of view if they aren't 100% in agreement.

I would never state that my relationship was 24/7 since Master and I don't live together but I do find some credence to this whole 24/7 thing. I know that everyone has things in their life that are outside the bounds of their bdsm relationship, parenting, work (as long as it isn't in a fetish shop), grocery shopping, etc.... these are the aspects of every day life that people use to argue the 24/7 designation. I totally understand that people aren't walking around tied up with gags in their mouths at school conferences. There is a vanilla aspect to everyones life, there has to be unless you live in a bdsm bubble where you never have to interact with anyone outside of the scope of this community.

But here is the catch, for me I have a set of rules that Master has given me. Ways in which I need to keep myself, ways to address him in e-mails etc. In my head I am his slave, this doesn't change when I go to work and I'm the boss. When I hear his voice I (usually) am brought back to this reality.

So do I consider my slavery 24/7? In some ways I believe it is, for me its not just about the ropes, whips, etc to me its a mindset. Master and I still go out and have fun, go to the movies, or out to dinner, run errands etc, like vanilla couples but if I slip up and utter a curse or say something he finds disrespectful, it doesn't matter where we are I will know I screwed up, a look, a tight grasp of my wrist and I remember who I belong to. Even if we are just speaking on the phone there is a tone to his voice when I overstep that sends a shiver through my body and in my head I am quickly on my knees at his feet. In my mind I am owned and Master holds the keys to my collar, a collar that may be invisible to most but to me its there all the time.

Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus....

2008-12-28T01:12:00.006-05:00

.....and Christmas wishes do come true.

While visions of sugar plums were not high on the list of fantasies dancing in my head over Christmas, visions of being bent over and disciplined were. I posted my Christmas wish here because I get shy about asking for things like this in person. (Its a bad habit that we are trying to break but I am still struggling with it.) Luckily Master agreed that it had been too long since his friendly crop had come to play and gave me a post Christmas surprise.

We spent a delightfully low key day together, running a few errands etc, but most of it was spent at his home. For the most part when we are in private I am kept naked although occasionally a pretty pair of panties will be allowed. Master likes to keep me accessible to his whim and I am happy to comply.

At some point during the day while happily worshiping his cock I heard a familiar whistle through the air but couldn't place it fast enough before the sharp sting that followed bit the right cheek of my ass. I gasped (which is hard to do with your mouth full) and then groaned with desire as the crop struck again. I was close to weeping from happiness as he continued his torment, but held back, I didn't want to distract him with my tears.

Being the little slut that I am, I repositioned myself so that I could continue my oral duty and Master had a better line of attack upon my ass, (I wouldn't want it to be inconvenient or uncomfortable for him to discipline me). Master apparently appreciated my position change because I heard the words that make my heart sing when I am in service "Good girl, such a good little slave aren't you?" I'm sure I wiggled in response, my arousal growing. Between the burning heat from his blows and the cock filling my mouth I was in heaven and at that point I couldn't imagine how the day could get any better. That is until he decided to use me as a cock ornament.

I slid down his length, my back to him so that he could continue to redden my ass, while he was buried inside me. My torment grew as I felt him filling me. Impaled on Masters cock, feeling him deep inside me while the crop snapped and bit at my backside was blissful torture. Occasionally Master would run an ice cold glass over my heated flesh making me squirm and cry out from the contrasting sensations. I could barely contain my emotions at this point, reduced to a shivering primal animal. I moaned, tears barely held in check, as I held back the orgasm that kept trying to escape. After what seemed like an eternity Master did allowed me to come several times leaving me quivering, bruised, sore, barely able to think and blissfully happy.

For the remainder of the day I continued to feel the heated tingle of the discipline I had received. It was a delicious reminder of my slavery and continues to be today, and if the bruises are any indication, will be for at least a few more days!

I hope everyone else had their wishes come true, I wonder if New Years has a similar magic to it?

Whats in a name?

2008-12-26T06:13:00.002-05:00

I encountered a discussion the other day about what subs or slaves call their Owners/Doms/Masters/Daddys etc..in public or around family and friends. Most seem to call them by their given names, some avoid it, and some just continue to use Sir or Master. I was completely caught up in this discussion, it fascinates me what other people do. One person brought up that names hold power, that when you hear your name even if it isn't directed toward you, you answer or at the very least turn toward it, I never really thought about that but it's true...well I don't have a very common name so for me when I hear it I'm fascinated to see who might have it too. I guess if you have a more common name like David, Joe, Michael etc.. it might not hold as much sway over you but I honestly wouldn't know.

It made me realize that in the many years (somewhere around 7 or 8 maybe more, I have a hard time pinning down the exact year we met) I have known Master I have never used his name in his presence. I have used it in situations like checking into a hotel where the reservation is under his name or things like that but not if he is with me. It always feels so awkward and strange, it doesn't just roll off my tongue, I often stumble over it. I actually get shy using it and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel disrespectful saying it. I know it's not disrespectful if he says its okay to use it in certain situations but I just have such a hard time with it.

If I need to address him in public I will use an endearment or get his attention by touch before I would use his name, even if that means I have go out of my way to get his attention I will do it. I don't even have him programmed in my phone with his given name, I use his initials. I am okay using his initials. I know its strange that I feel more comfortable calling Master by his initials than his name but I can't help it.

This is totally my hang up. Master has no problem with me using his name in certain situations, in fact he wants me to and I can't. (hold that thought until you read the next sentence) I know it is even more disrespectful not to adhere to his wishes but I just can't seem to do it. I think if I needed to, if I couldn't get his attention any other way I would use his name, but I would try everything I could to avoid it. When speaking to other people I play the pronoun game or find other creative ways to avoid using his name. I've gotten quite skilled at it so far.

Its funny I wonder, at this point if he would even answer if I used his name. He might not even realize I am speaking to him! I'm sure it would sound just as funny to him coming from my mouth as it does to me. So for now I will continue to be creative and keep my fingers crossed that I can avoid situations where using his name to speak to him would be inevitable.

If you are wondering what Master calls me, he uses my name for the most part, often with slave in front of it or sometimes just slave, or slut, it really depends on the situation. My name doesn't shorten to a nickname or anything like that. I've heard that some slaves have special names that their Masters call them, slave names I think they refer to them as, but we have never done this. I know I would have a hard time answering to it a different name. I have a hard enough time answering to my own name! Half the time it takes me a few moment to process that Master is even speaking to me. I'm either lost in thought, half listening or just plain can't hear him (I've got some mild hearing loss due to being stupid when I was a teenager). I can't imagine the struggle to answer to a different name.

Holiday Wishes

2008-12-25T06:05:00.005-05:00

Happy Merry Chrismahanukwanzica! (for those baffled by this its a mix of Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza- forgive me those of you who celebrate the solstice I couldn't fit it in there, but I wish you happiness as well.)

May you receive what you wished for.
May you spread some holiday cheer.
May your kinky hopes, dreams and wishes come true.

(special thanks to my fetlife friend Poison-baby for the lovely pic)

PS....Please don't forget those less fortunate than you this time of year (and I don't mean the auto industry or the banks.)

A Christmas Wish

2008-12-24T09:07:00.004-05:00

A Christmas wish....

I miss my friend.
I haven't seen my friend for quite some time.
Loving yet harsh, I always anticipate our next meeting.
I have a love hate relationship with my friend.

I love the way my friend makes my heart beat faster.
I love the way my skin tingles in anticipation of my friends touch.
I feel a flush of heat between my legs whenever my friend comes to play.

My friend can also be cruel.
Sometimes leaving harsh marks upon my body.
Occasionally, my friends touch reduces me to tears of joy, of pain, of excitement.
Despite this I am happy when my friend is around.

Some will wonder why we are friends and this I can not explain.
I think the friendship grew on me.
I didn't like my friend at all when we first met but I have come to understand and appreciate the different aspects my friend brings to my life.

Many may wonder how Master feels when my friend is around.
I think he appreciates my friend as much as I do.
He watches the different emotions as they flit across my face when my friend comes to play.
And he loves the way my friend makes me gasp, moan, flinch and scream.

My Christmas wish is that Master will allow my friend to come play again.
I will beg if I need to, down on my knees.
Please Master, please it's been a long time, bring the crop out of hiding, I miss it so much.
The bite and the sting of my friend striking my flesh, I crave it, I need it, I yearn for its touch.
I hope Christmas dreams do come true and my friend will come visit very soon.

Nostalgia

2008-12-22T20:30:00.007-05:00

I don't know what it is about the end of the year that always makes me want to look back. But I've been thinking about how I met Master and how we got to where we are.

There were always aspects of bdsm that attracted me even after I escaped from the hell of a M/s relationship gone bad. ( where it all began ) Even though I was leery of these desires I would find myself seeking aspects of it in my vanilla world. I would find a partner with a little kink in them, someone willing to spank me (just not as hard or as long as I wanted) or pull my hair (again not as hard as I would like) or even tie me up, but much as I didn't want to admit it to myself I think that my early experience gave me a taste for something harder. After these experiences I was often left unfulfilled and upset, thinking that it was the kink that was the problem when the real problem was that it wasn't kinky enough. I needed more.

I began writing, hoping that I could fulfill this inexplicable need I had burning inside me. I started expressing my kinkier side in words instead of deeds. The tight bondage, the whippings, the more aggressive sex, the choking, restraint, the rules etc...unfortunately the more I wrote about it the more I wanted it, needed it. Of course this was the time of the big internet boom, when chat rooms were something new and exciting and kink bulletin boards and news feeds were just starting to become popular. I found a whole new world at my fingertips. My writing had found an audience and among them were a few people that I would consider mentors, guiding me through a sea of information. They looked out for me, talked to me and helped me to discover that a M/s relationship did not have to be the way it had been for me. I was still nervous but I felt I was ready to wade back into the pool. I started chatting and meeting people online but never took it further than cyberspace. In fact I had never consented to even call any Doms/Masters in person until I met Master.

There was something about him that intrigued me. I'm not sure what it was, I can't remember but whatever it was, is still there. It may have been the mix of intelligence and strictness. There was just more to him than just the kink. We could have conversations about all kinds of things. And there was nothing wishy-washy about him. Other Doms/Master even in e-mail would flip-flop on different issues, they didn't have specific rules, they sort of made them up as they went often bowing to my decisions or objections. Master seemed to know what he expected and wanted in a sub/slave and demanded it, he would listen if I objected, think about it and it didn't always turn out the way I wanted. I hated, respected and craved that discipline.

I remember our first meeting, I was so nervous, wondering what I had agreed to. I mean smart people didn't agree to meet strangers they met on the internet who wanted to tie them up did they? I had heard the horror stories of internet meetings gone bad (this was before internet dating was popular so meeting people online was considered taboo). We had been talking on the phone for a while and something told me that things would be okay, so I went with it but I was still nervous. What if he turned out to be a total wack job?

Luckily he wasn't, and that first meeting brought emotions out in me that I thought had been buried for good. When I went home that night I laid in bed and cried. Tears of relief, fear, joy and hope. Relief that I had taken steps to fulfilled needs that had been building in me so long and realizing that they didn't have to be scary. Fear that things would turn out like before. Joy that I had let my submissive side out of its cage in my soul and received amazing rewards. Hope that I could embrace my submissive side in a healthier way and not run from it.

Unfortunately the fear overwhelmed me and I locked my inner submissive away again after a few more meetings. I found it too difficult to embrace this part of myself that yearned for things others considered abnormal. I knew the devastation when a relationship like this went wrong and I didn't want to go back there. I didn't trust myself. I had a bad track record when it came to relationships and I just figured there had to be something I was missing in this one.

Master was understanding and we kept in touch checking in with each other every so often, catching up on each others lives. I think the bond that I had felt when we had first met grew stronger for me during this off period. I still maintained his rules of how to keep myself, I continued to address him as Sir, maintaining my submission to him. It was as if I knew that one day I would be on my knees serving him again in a more physical way. If I am really honest I would have to say that from our first meeting he had captured a piece of my soul and despite not being together I was never really free. There was just something about him that spoke to me. I can't pinpoint it, but thats the only explanation I have for the bond I felt toward him.

I have talked to other Doms/Masters over the years never with an interest in meeting, and referring to them as Sir always felt false and strained. It never sounded right coming off my tongue and I knew that I wouldn't maintain contact with these people. A few people wanted me to call them Master, which never felt right either (I'm not sure why people think they deserve this title from the very beginning) and I would "forget" or call them something else. I think subconciously I knew I already had a Master, an Owner, and these other people were all make believe, a sort of online fantasy role play that helped me explore and understand that the submissive side of myself wasn't "wrong".

Why didn't I just explore these things with Master you wonder. I think it was because of our connection. I think I knew that once I opened that door that it would be hard to close again and as much as I wanted it opened it still scared me. It was easier to be superficial than it was to give in to real emotion. I read blogs, bulletin boards, and occasionally wandered into a bdsm chat but despite it helping me get to know my inner submissive it never really fulfilled me. It did however show me that not all M/s relationships were abusive. I'm sure this helped me to reach a place in my life where I felt comfortable opening that cage door a little wider, which is when I agreed to meet with Master again. I asked him recently if he knew we would see each other again and I don't remember his exact words but it was something along the line of it being inevitable and I would have to agree.

Our reunion was so comfortable it didn't feel strained or awkward. It was like being wrapped in a comfortable old sweatshirt, it just felt so right. Our first intimate interaction upon meeting again was just as powerful as the first time. I still didn't like being on display, and was a little self-conscious because it had been several years and lets face it I don't have the same body I did back then, but it felt natural and right to offer myself to him. His collar may not have physically been around my neck during our separation but it had been there in spirit tethering me to him.

I have no regrets about reopening the door to my submissive side and have found such comfort, joy and growth from my relationship with Master. I don't see my submission as something that holds me back or stifles me, in fact there is an empowerment in it that I just can't describe. I will be forever thankful to Master for taking this journey with me.

Owned

2008-12-22T07:48:00.004-05:00

We stared out at the empty beach enjoying the peaceful quiet of the morning. The wind pushed the sand making it dance and swirl, the waves crashed upon the shore leaving little trails of foam as the tide washed out. I watched this silent movie from high above, through the window of the hotel room as I lay in bed the covers pulled up to my chin. Master had his body pressed against my back, his arm draped over my waist, his fingers lightly tracing small circles across my belly, my hips, my breasts. I sighed and wiggled closer to him feeling his hardness press against me, a small moan escaped my lips.

Time seemed to stand still as we lay there. Masters hands continued sending little shivers of pleasure down my body, teasing me. Soon the water didn’t really matter, the calmness of the scenery overshadowed by the burning demand to move, to touch, to taste. Master kept me where I was not allowing me to turn or touch him. The ache between my legs grew, but I knew I was at his mercy.

Through my desire filled haze I felt him shift, “Put this in your mouth.” He said his hand twisting in my hair, pulling me around and forcing my head downward. I groaned in happiness and smiled eagerly before opening my mouth to service him.

I stuck out my tongue and licked around the tip of his cock, I was in ecstasy, I had been waiting for this, to taste him, to touch him. Slowly I wrapped my lips around him sliding down his length while my tongue danced around until I could feel him in the back of my throat. His grip on my hair tightened and he held me there, his cock filling my mouth. I moaned and wriggled, soon I felt a tug on my hair as he allowed me movement as he guided my head up and down.

I shifted position so my body straddled his leg, my breasts grazing his thigh, my nipples tightening as they rubbed against the coarse hair on his leg. His movements became more and more forceful. I tried not to gag as he moved deeper and deeper in my throat, saliva pooling in the corners of my lips because I couldn’t swallow fast enough.

It frightened and excited me when he was forceful and rough. I loved the feeling of total helplessness, of being at his mercy, of knowing that he was stronger and I had little choice but to obey. Occasionally my instincts would kick in and I would try to fight back, if he pushed to deeply in my mouth gagging me, I would feel my head try to pull back, my hands would try and push me away but it never really worked. Then I would bring myself back, remembering who was using me this way, and I would calm down relaxing into the sensations. Somehow Master always seemed to know when I surrendered, letting go of my fears, it was like he would wait until that point before he would unbalance me by exerting his dominance in a new would.

“Get on your knees, head down and face the window” He said forcefully pushing me away.

My brain took a few moments to shift gears but I made my way up to my knees, bending forward my ass presented to him for whatever he had planned. My head was turned to the side, as I waiting in anticipation of what came next. I felt him move behind me, sliding his hands over and across my ass a few times making me squirm and then a sharp crack as his hand came down making me jump and turn my head to bury my face in the blankets. My mind started to wander as I thought about what people might see if our room had been lower, or if it had been nighttime, the lights on and the shades open. I shivered with a mix of excitement and fear. He gave me a few more hard spanks bringing me back from my thoughts to the present. I could feel the heat from where his hand had landed, my skin felt swollen and tender.

“Your ass is getting nice and red. Do you have anything to say about that?”

“No Sir, That’s the way you like it.”

His hand came down again, making me wince and groan. “Do you let just anyone spank you?”

“No Sir.”

He landed another strike, making me whimper. “Aren’t you a grown woman, an executive? Aren’t you in charge?”

“Yes Sir.” I braced myself expecting another strike but it didn't come.

“Then why is this happening? Why do you let me spank you?” He asked.

I relaxed, thinking the spanking was over. “Because you own me Sir, I……” I choked on my words as another blow landed sharply across my ass unsettling me once again. I whimpered and tried again, “I, I am your property, and you can do what you want.” I said slowly.

“That’s right.” He said and I felt his hands grip my hips tightly and the pressure of his cock against me as he buried himself deeply inside me. I cried out loving the full feeling of him impaling me.

He pulled back until he was just barely inside me.

I whimpered and wriggled trying to push him back deeper inside me but he held me fast.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I want you deeper; I love the way you feel when you’re buried deep inside me,” I whined. “please Sir, please……"

I felt the air move but my brain didn’t register what was happening before I felt another sharp sting on my ass, this one much harder than the last. I cried out, tears involuntarily forming in the corners of my eyes.

“Is that the proper way to address me when I am inside you?” He barked.

“No, Sss…Master.” I whispered.

“That’s better, don’t forget your manners. Now continue what you were saying.”

“I….I …please Master, I want to feel you deep inside me.” I begged.

“It’s not really about what you want.” He said as he slowly pushed only the tip of his cock in and out of me, tormenting me.

“No, Ss…Master, I am at your service, whatever you desire, this body is yours.” I answered, hoping that my answers would produce the results my body wanted, needed, craved.

I felt his hands on my hips tighten and I cried out in happiness, pleasure and frustration as he began roughly thrusting in and out of me. My tears flowed freely now, my emotions overwhelmed by the sensations flowing through my body. One of his hands slid down to my mid back forcibly keeping me from raising my upper body, bending me even further in half.

My back ached, and with every thrust there was pain mixed with pleasure from him driving into me so deep and so hard. It felt good to be so roughly used, I felt joy, and happiness, pleasure and pain but most of all surrender. I was his, I belong to him, my body responded to his hands, I was his instrument to play when he desired.

The pressure was building in my body, I held it back as best I could, but my control was starting to slip. I wasn’t sure if he was going to allow me to come but soon that option may be out of either one of our control as I felt my will over my body begin to fail.

Master must have sensed what was happening, and slowed his movement just enough for me to get a handle on my control. I was becoming delirious, primal instincts taking over, as I moved my body in ways I knew would please him. I heard his sounds of approval as I reached back to feel him as he slid in and out of me.

“Come for me slave.” He said and grabbed a fistful of my hair pulling my head back as he increased his movements once again. I had been waiting for those words, “Thank you Master” I cried out. I had been hoping I would hear those words soon and my body shivered and exploded with the first tug of my hair. I screamed and bucked, never wanting it to end. I felt his body tense, his cock thicken, and his body shudder as he spilled into me. We collapsed together on the bed, panting, and spent.

I whimpered when he pulled out, and he chuckled, knowing that I hated that part more than anything, hated the separation that would leave me feeling empty. After we cleaned up he pulled me back into his arms and we resumed watching the waves down below and he resumed running his hands and fingers across my belly, and hips.

He leaned close to my ear and whispered “You’re a good slave, I’m glad I own you.”

I snuggled back into his warmth a smile on my lips. My body was sated and my mind was content. I am owned I thought and the pleasure of those three little words resonated inside me making me happy, content and a little scared, but I pushed the fear away for another day and with Masters warmth at my back, wrapped in the security of my Owners arms I drifted off to sleep.

Holidays

2008-12-12T20:58:00.004-05:00

Oh the holidays a joy for everyone...bah humbug.

The streets are jammed, the parking lots full, there are too many people everywhere, I tend to overspend...then again who doesn't at this time of year...especially when you have lots of birthdays thrown into the mix. Life is just jolly and fun. There are company holiday parties to plan, attend and secret santas to join, potluck dinners, and cookies and desserts to make. It seems like December is on warp speed from day 1, its difficult to enjoy it.

I've been having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year....not quite sure why. Its only something like 13 days until xmas and my lights aren't hung, a tree is the furthest thing from my mind...well okay it was until about 30 seconds ago when I mentioned it, and I have no idea if I have enough presents and who I missed while out shopping and the thought of going into a store is scary, usually I enjoy shopping, now I just dread it.

There are the hard to shop for on my list...I'm sure you have those, the ones that you just don't have a clue what to get so you keep putting it off. I have a few of those on my list, the ones I am just clueless about. Gift cards, misc stuff they will hate, clothes...who knows. Thats when I usually go out on a limb and try to be creative and hope it pays off.

So why all the talk of the holidays...its just my way of saying sorry I've been so remiss in giving you something juicy to read about. The holiday craziness has left me creatively challenged, and usually away from my computer. But as I sit here and type I feel the creativity creeping back and a little holiday cheer for all may be on its way from my computer to yours. In the meantime enjoy Santa's helper, I'm sure I would if I found her under my tree on xmas morning....of course that means I have to get a tree, but what incentive!

Indulgence

2008-11-24T06:42:00.005-05:00

I adore when Master indulges me and allows me to take his hand and run it over my body, across my breasts, down my belly, across my hips and ultimately between my legs. Pushing his fingers inside me, the heel of his hand hitting just at that sweet spot a little higher up, my body responding to his touch, yet its my touch as well, as I am guiding his hand. With my hand on his I guide the movement of his fingers, the speed, the pressure, while he whispers in my ear, egging me on telling me how sexy I look, or commenting on how wet I am. The knowledge that he can feel my body responding to his comments makes it all the more delightful.

Its interactive masturbation, it’s fantasy come to life. He gets to experience what I enjoy, learning the secrets of my body, how fast or slow I like it, how much pressure and where and I get the pleasure of knowing that it’s his hand that is pushing me toward ecstasy. Of course writhing around on the bed moaning is a huge turn on for both of us so as I inch closer to the point of no return, he will occasionally become a little more interactive, but not too intrusive to this somewhat solo exploration, bending close to capture one of my nipples in his mouth, making me arch up off the bed in sweet bliss or pressing his body hard against mine, his hips grinding into my ass, my hips.

That usually does it, the last piece of the puzzle that pushes me past that edge to where I can’t hold back anymore, sending me to the slightly scary place of totally surrender, where there is no control, only pleasure, where my body takes over and my mind is pushed to the side. There is no beginning and no end when I reach this point, I am just raw emotion.

Waiting

2008-11-21T08:36:00.005-05:00

I kneel fully clothed, my hands behind me, my back straight, my knees slightly parted, my eyes focused downward in submission. I feel Masters gaze on me from where he sits across the room. Internally I squirm, under his watchful eye wishing I was naked. It is easier for me to embrace my role as slave when I am naked with a collar around my neck.

When I am naked I am the slave that bows to the will of my Master, dressed I feel in charge, like I am the boss, but this is an illusion, my status doesn’t change with the clothes I wear. I am his slave, dressed or undressed. So I sit, waiting. Waiting and learning. Learning to release my need for control, remembering who I answer to, who I relinquished my control to when I accepted his collar around my neck.

Time passes slowly while the internal struggle wages war inside me.“I am a responsible grown woman, a leader, not a follower; I don’t answer to anyone, they answer to me. I should get up; I don’t need to stay here. He can’t make me, he won’t make me, and it’s not like he is holding me down.” My mind twists and turns with these thoughts but I don’t get up, I don’t move. I stay where I am, on my knees, eyes down. Why?

I do it not because I have to but because I want to. I do it to satisfy something inside me that craves not having to make all the decisions. I do it because there is nothing more freeing than letting go of who you think you are and just being. With those thoughts I stop fighting, relax and release.

Master can sense when I have let go. He stands up and walks to me; I watch his legs as he approaches and shiver in anticipation. He puts his hand on my head and runs his fingers through my hair. “Good girl” he says “Stand up.”

I stand, tears forming in the corners of my eyes not in sadness but in relief, in appreciation. He leans in, wraps his arms around me and kisses me as a tear slides down my cheek. I am happy, I am cared for, I am a slave, yet I am free.

Breaking Through

2008-11-20T08:20:00.003-05:00

How do you serve when you feel miserable? I don’t mean physically sick, just mentally yucky. It’s tough to want to do anything when you feel depressed. I know I struggle with going to work, taking care of other obligations etc. All I want to do is curl up and hide from the world but if you’re a slave your options to hide away in misery may be limited. A Master can’t force a slave to be happy, no one can actually force another person to be happy, and you might think that expecting someone to serve when they feel this way is cruel but actually it can be quite liberating. It really depends on the situation and the Master.

For me, when I’m sad or depressed my libido suffers, my usually erotic thoughts dry up and I’m lucky if porn would make me wet. So the idea of serving sexually can sometimes be overwhelming, I mean who feels attractive when they have been crying for hours? But somehow my body reacts differently, to the sound of Masters voice. I’m not sure what it is but it’s like I’m hypnotized. I drift to this more calm state, which allows thought that would have made me cringe a moment ago seem not so impossible. It’s not the same level of reaction he would achieve if I wasn’t in this low place but the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand and suddenly things don’t seem as insurmountable and parts of my body that I thought would never come alive again decide they want to play.

Occasionally I will drift back into my head dragging out what made me depressed to begin with and they’re not always easy to push past. I’m sure when this happens I become a distant, and stop paying attention to what task I am supposed to be performing, but a tug on my hair, or a swat on my ass usually brings me back to the here and now.

Maybe that’s the key. Serving makes you live in the now, no past, no future, you have to focus on what is happening in the moment. In pushing everything aside you achieve what some people call “subspace” but what I feel is just a more meditative place that allows you to let go and surrender to either a person or to yourself.

Anyone can achieve it; it doesn’t have to be under sexual or bdsm circumstances. I’ve achieved this sensation alone in meditation, it’s a place where your mind slows down, and you surrender to just being. It’s incredibly peaceful, unfortunately it’s also difficult to achieve when you are wallowing in misery, that’s when it’s nice to have a Master who can ease you into that place without much coaxing. But that can also be a crutch and will eventually stop working. At some point it is up to you to pull yourself back from the edge, and find peace with what is plaguing you, so that you don’t slide back into the abyss.

Life

2008-11-08T22:02:00.004-05:00

Life can often be challenging and recently mine has been kicking me in the butt. It seems that I just keep getting hit with one thing after another, sick (hospitalized) friends, manipulative exes that get under your skin, and more - don't worry things with Master are wonderful its the other aspects of my life that are playing havoc with me. Master suggested I "do something to clear my head of all of it". I pulled out a book by one of my favorite authors who usually helps me to see things in a new light and he started speaking to me - since I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who finds life a struggle at times I thought I would share some of my finds:

"The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; its taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it's mountaineering; it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don't manage it."

"It is necessary to run risks. We only properly understand the miracle of life when we allow the unexpected to happen."

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change."

"The tests can become harder than one imagined. But they are necessary in order to learn. And each of them brings us closer to the realization of our dreams."

Often, during combat, the warrior of light receives blows that he was not expecting. And he realizes that during war, his enemy is bound to win some of the battles. When this happens, the warrior of light weeps bitter tears and rests in order to recover his energies a little. But he immediately resumes the battle for his dreams"

"I bear many scars, but I also carry with me moments that would not have happened if I had not dared to go beyond my limits."

"Carry in your memory, for the rest of your life, the good things that came out of your difficulties. They will serve as a proof of your abilities and will give you confidence when you are faced with other obstacles."

"Seize every opportunity that life offers you because when opportunities go they take a long time to come back."

"The secret lies in the present - if you pay attention to the present, you will be able to improve it. And if you improve the present whatever happens afterwards will be better too. Each day brings us Eternity."

- quotations from Life by Paulo Coelho

Overwhelmed

2008-11-04T08:02:00.005-05:00

I tilt my head back letting the water pour directly on my face and down my back. I run my hands through my wet hair. I was hoping the cold shower would help me calm down but it isn’t helping. I keep imagining Masters hands running over my naked body.

I reach for the soap and run soapy hands down my breasts, across my belly.I stop there knowing that if I move further south I will have a hard time controlling myself. My body is burning for Masters touch, his gaze, his attention. I stand back under the spray of the water rinsing myself off and try to redirect my mind to other things. I start making a list of all the things I need to do today, go to the dry cleaner, pick up something for dinner, fill up my gas tank…..beg and plead for Master to release my overwhelming desire. I sigh and shut off the water, knowing that no matter what I do it’s not going to help.

My nipples harden as I step out of the tub into the cool bathroom and reach for a towel. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been allowed to come. At first it wasn’t so difficult, I could distract myself with work, chores, immersing myself in one task or another to keep my mind at bay. But the more I know it’s not allowed the more I want it. The more I crave it. The ache between my legs grows fiercer by the day. I find myself squirming in my chair at work hoping that if I “accidentally” come that it won’t count as a betrayal, a blatant defiance to Master’s demands.

I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I don’t know who I think I’m kidding, I couldn’t do that. I want to please Master. I need to please Master. I take great pride and pleasure in serving him. Sometimes it can be frustrating but in the end the pain and frustration are rewarded.

I wrap myself in a big fluffy pink robe and wander out to the bedroom to dress trying to think of other ways to distract myself. I stand before the closet trying to figure out what my day is going to be like so that I can figure out what to wear. My mind wanders and I stand there staring at nothing.

“Clothes don’t pick themselves” Master said from behind me.

I gave a little squeal and jumped. I had thought he left. I started to turn around but he grabbed my hair tightly and held me in place.

“Have you been a good girl?”

“Yes Sir.” I said

“Are you sure?” He asked “You were in the shower for a long time.” He pulled me back into his body holding me against him, his other hand untying the sash of my robe, his warm hand sliding over my breasts, his fingers rolling and teasing my nipples.

I whimpered sinking back into him. “I’m sure Master. It crossed my mind to disobey but I didn’t want to disappoint you Sir.”

“You would be disappointing yourself slave.” He said.

“Yes Sir, you’re right Sir.” I said softly, as I lost myself to the sensations his hand was creating in my already heated body.

His hand on my hair tightened as he pulled me upward so I was standing on tiptoe then he turned me and walked me over to the bed. He released me, half pushing, half throwing me so I was bent over the side of the bed. He raised the back of my robe exposing my ass to the cool air. The sting of his hand surprised me, I wasn’t anticipating a spanking and I jumped with surprise.

“Hold still slave” He said.

I tried to hold still as his hand came down hard again on my ass.I could feel the heat forming where his hand had struck me and tried hard not to wiggle. Master knows that spankings turn me on. There is something so naughty about spankings, being bent over, exposed and vulnerable. Every now and then his hand would strike me low his fingers slightly grazing my wetness. I had thought I was excited before but now I was so swollen it was almost painful, moisture was slowly running down my thighs and my breath was coming faster. If he continued I wasn’t sure what would happen. I had never come from being spanked before but then I had never been this aroused before.

Whimpering and groaning I buried my face in the bed. I was trying so hard to stay still but it was becoming more difficult. I was arching my back into his hand, wanting more, needing more. I was completely lost to the sensations.

I hadn’t realized he had stopped his assault until I felt him part my legs, and grab my hips as he impaled himself inside me. I screamed from the delicious sensations that went rippling through my body fogging my senses.

"I need to come Master” I gasped.

“Hold it slave.”

“I don’t know if I can, it’s too much, its been too long. Please Sir, please, I can’t hold back.” I begged.

Master grabbed my hair, “While your begging is nice, you will hold back.” He said harshly. “You are not a free woman, you are owned and you come when I tell you to come. Is that understood?” He asked as he continued to force himself in and out of me the sensations almost painful but I wanted more. I wanted him deeper, faster, harder.

Tears sliding down my cheeks I answered “Yes Master.” The sensations were becoming too intense I was losing my grip on reality and falling further into sensation. My body was betraying me overriding my will and I knew I couldn’t hold back any longer. As if he could sense my point of no return I heard in the distance “Now slave, come now.”

Time stood still as my body convulsed around him, shivers of ecstasy clouded my vision, the nerves in my body were so raw that every sensation seemed magnified tenfold. A simple touch left me whimpering and shaking uncontrollably. I was sobbing; my breath was coming in great big gasps. I felt completely raw and vulnerable, like a newborn experiencing the world outside the womb for the first time. It was too much.

I must have passed out or fallen asleep because when I became conscious again I was under the covers, my robe gone and Masters arms wrapped protectively around me. I reached up and touched his arm.

“Are you okay slave?” he asked.

“I think so Sir. I’m not sure what happened. I’m sorry I guess it was just too much, it overwhelmed me.”

“I think you need to be overwhelmed sometimes, being overwhelmed helps you. It forces you to be vulnerable, to face that fear. Your fear of losing control is held too tightly, you need loosen it and release the fear behind and surrender. I can expect surrender from you but I can’t force it from you. I will guide you, show you the path but you need to let go and you have to trust that I will be there to catch you if you need it.” He said.

The tears started running down my cheeks again as I thought about that for a while. He was right. It always amazes me that Master can get inside my head like that. I still have such a hard time with trust. I think that I trust but then when I really look at it I realize that deep down there is a fear that says that it’s an illusion. That to trust means getting hurt. I have always found it weird that Master seems to know what I needed before I do half the time, but I also feel very fortunate. I know I’m beginning to let go, that Masters patience and steady hand are guiding me down this dark scary path, I guess it’s now my job to pry my fingers off the safety line and truly let go and trust that he will be there to catch me if I stumble. I shivered and snuggled closer closing my eyes and sinking into the security of his arms, thinking I’ll get right on tha, tomorrow, my fingers were too raw from the rope being yanked out of my hands today. Maybe they will be too sore to grip it tomorrow.

Reunions

2008-11-02T10:10:00.005-05:00

It was a long and amazing vacation. I saw amazing sights that blew my mind and despite the knowledge that I could share these moments through my camera with Master once I got home, I still had my moments of melancholy. It was bittersweet to be home, back to the day to day grind of work, instead of the laid back schedule I had kept for the last two weeks. While there are quite a few things that make me wish I was still away a reunion with Master definitely made me happy to be home.

I have always found that reunions after an absence can go one of two ways, either you find out that the separation was probably for the best, realizing that all the intimate fantasies you had while you were apart were just that fantasies and the thought of acting on them just isn't there once you are face to face. Or you rediscover what drew you to the other person to begin with. Your heart beats faster, and all those fantasies you had while you were away come to life.

My reunion with Master followed the second category. It was blissful to once again serve as Master's plaything, cock ornament and come slut. It was wonderful to feel his hands traveling over my body, spanking me, pinching my nipples or gently caressing my hip. His breath on my neck as he whispered in my ear, his fingers wrapped in my hair pulling it tight sent shivers down my spine. Taking him in my mouth, made me squirm and whimper with desire. Feeling him inside me was like a little slice of heaven on earth.

Am I happy to be home? Absolutely.

The other L word

2008-10-22T06:13:00.001-04:00

Being bound, blindfolded, whipped, cropped, slapped, spanked, choked, photographed naked, or video taped, doesn’t frighten me half as much as the other L word. You know the one; it starts with an L and ends with an e. Even the thought of it makes me quake in my shoes and want to run and hide.

I’m a basket case when it comes to relationships. I try to learn from my past mistakes and I think the last few years have been monumental in my growth but it’s frightening to think that I will get it wrong again. But really what will happen if I do? I’ve learned from the past that I will not disappear, I may fall apart for a bit but I always dust myself off and move forward…the problem is I tend to keep moving forward with the same type of people and need to break the pattern. I keep thinking the next one will be different but then blam something happens and I realize I'm still dating the same person just in a different package. See that is the rational me talking, the brain, the heart is a completely different matter. The heart sits and says “uh uh, no way are you going to get hurt again, I’m going to build this wall here and hide behind it”.

See my heart likes to think it’s in control…sort of like me. I know there are some things in life that we can’t control but that doesn’t mean I don’t still try. I’m a control freak remember? Of course I also question my judgment when it comes to relationships. I’ve been burned so many times it’s scary to let go, relax and just see where life takes me. I have to say Master is extremely patient with me in this regard, he gets this rational tone to his voice and makes it all seem so easy, so clear. Then I hang up the phone and two minutes later I’m in my head again.

My relationship with Master is probably the healthiest one I’ve been in so far. (Which by its very nature may sound absurd but it's true). His personality is much different than anyone else I've been involved with and I think I knew that this relationship would be different and that’s why Master scared me so much when we first met. It freaked me out so badly that I had to back off for a time. Now that I’ve opened myself up again I’m still scared but it’s not the all consuming scariness that I had before.

Before I get tons of e-mail on this let me state that I’m not worried he is going to hurt me physically (at least not on purpose) or anything like that. He gets in my head, and sees me, I find myself opening up in ways that I’ve never done before and that can be terrifying. So its not that I’m really scared of him personally it’s more that I’m scared of him breaching the carefully constructed wall around my heart, leaving it crumbling and me vulnerable. I can sense the cracks in the foundation and I guess this is life deciding it is time to teach me a new lesson about submission. Learning to let go and enjoying the ride, wherever it takes me. Wish me luck.

Display

2008-10-15T06:13:00.001-04:00

I have always disliked being on display. I’m hypercritical of my body just like almost every other woman out there, and have found it difficult to overcome the embarrassment of it. I have recently come to a place of acceptance and I am learning to surrender to it. I am beginning to understand the erotic nature of being naked, bound and on display for my Owner.

I know when he watches me, know when he stops whatever it was he was doing and slides his gaze across my flesh.I feel it. I sense his attention and it sends shivers coursing through my body. My heart speeds up, my skin flushes and I feel the dampness forming between my legs

Today I stand naked, my wrists bound above my head secured to a bolt in the ceiling. The rope pulls me up so high I must stand on tip to, my body stretched to its limit. A blindfold covers my eyes; my mouth is stuffed with a ball gag. My arms ache and the muscles in my calves twitch, saliva pools in the corners of my lips. My body is my only measure of the time that has gone by and even still I couldn’t tell you if I have been here for 5 minutes or 30. The air has a slight chill to it, my nipples stand at attention, and my skin is covered in goose bumps. I hear noises around me, sometimes close, sometimes further away. I try not to pay attention to them; I get anxious trying to figure out what Master is doing. I breathe deeply and try to relax into the position, surrender to it.

I lift my leg, and point and flex my foot to take the ache away; I slide it up the other leg massaging the tension from my calf with my heel. Every movement is calculated, I try to keep my toes pointed, try to make sure ever movement is pleasing and sensual. I switch legs and repeat the process, slowly running my pointed foot up the side of my leg, swinging my knee to the side, releasing my hip, opening myself up should he be watching me. When I’ve stretched my legs, I lean my head back slowly, arching my back pressing my breasts forward, my ass out. I shake my head slowly side to side stretching my neck, my long red curls softly brushing my back. When I have stretched all I can I slowly return to position, waiting.

Master likes to watch me shift and move, my muscles tensing and shaking from the strain. When he comes close I feel the warmth radiating from his body. I strain forward willing him to touch me, his body heat searing my flesh, and pooling between my thighs. The desire to be touched sending pulsations through my body that make me writhe in anticipation.

He leaves me there squirming, working myself up. He knows I have a vivid imagination and it doesn’t require much to send it reeling down the path toward orgasm. He enjoys watching this happen, I’m sure he would love to be able to read my mind, to peak into my head and watch the scenario I have picked out.

Then with great care he reaches out and softly runs his fingers down my breast, my stomach, my hip. The tenderness of it almost undoes me, I’m too aroused. Tender was a few minutes ago now I want it hard, I want him to grab me roughly and possess me. But he knows that, which is why he moves slowly, reminding me that I am not in charge that I am here for his pleasure, to take as he pleases. He teases me for a few more minutes and then moves away, I cry out from behind my gag moving forward trying to find him again with my body. My frustration mounts as the moments tick by. I try to surrender into my predicament but I am beyond my capacity to relax, the only release I can think about is focused between my legs.

Suddenly I am yanked backward by my hair, my body pulled firmly against Masters. I groan. He leans in and whispers to me “Is this what you wanted slave?” His other hand slides down the front of my body; he pinches my nipples hard, squeezing my breasts. His hand travels lower and lower, slipping between my legs, sliding through my wetness. I grunt and press my pelvis forward into his hand, my body bucking, pressing the heel of his hand into my clit while his fingers slip in and out of me.

“You’re so wet, you like this don’t you? It turns you on doesn’t it?”

I moan in response.

"Do you want to come slave?”

I groan like an animal in heat my body moving faster.

“Come for me slave.”

I scream from behind my gag and my legs give out leaving me dangling from my wrists.
Master releases my hair, and wraps his other arm around my waist holding me up, taking the pressure off my arms while I twist and moan in ecstasy and release.

As my breathing returns to normal, Master reaches up and unties my arms. I collapse against him. He undoes the gag in my mouth but leaves my blindfold on. He carries me to the bed, places me down and lies down beside me. He removes the blindfold and I blink at the brightness of the room. When my eyes adjust to the light I look into his eyes, and he smiles at me.

“Thank you Sir.”

“My pleasure slave.” He answered, wrapping me in his arms.

Vacation

2008-10-11T06:13:00.001-04:00

My emotions are torn, split between the excitement of a new adventure and the sadness that I’m not sharing it with you. I may be busy exploring a new land, playing death defying games with new foods, but you won’t be far from my thoughts.

An amazing statue, an awe inspiring landmark is sure to excite and amaze, but next to the thrill of witnessing new things I will be wishing I could share it with you. I know there will be other times, other locations that we can share, but it doesn’t mean I won’t miss you on this trip. How could I not when looking at the faces around me will always bring you to mind.

I know what you are thinking, what you would say, “ Don’t dwell on that”, “You’re going to be so busy you won’t have time to miss me", “You’ll be home before you know it.” The list goes on and on. And you’re right I shouldn’t let these thoughts spoil my trip. In fact I won’t let it spoil my trip but I will still miss my nightly calls, my weekends spent wrapped in your arms.

So I will focus on the positive. The amazing new and different things I will see on my trip and our reunion when I return, sharing my experiences, my photos etc…but mostly I will look forward to a private welcome home celebration that keeps us inside for many delightful, and kinky hours.

The Whip

2008-10-09T06:13:00.000-04:00

The blow landed just below my ass. I felt compelled to move forward away from it but I knew I needed to, wanted to, stand my ground. I leaned over the back of a chair; my back arched my ass pushed out in invitation.

Another blow landed this time higher. The sound was worse than the bite of the leather as it struck me, but with each blow I could feel my skin heat. I could imagine the raised line of welts that were forming on my skin, the redness that accompanied them. Master marking me, his sign of Ownership. Another strike, another crack of leather, I winced this time and pranced in place up on my toes. I felt the heat seep down through my flesh to radiate between my thighs.

I listened to the whistle of the leather as it sliced through the air, trying not to brace for the impact. I had learned to surrender to each blow, knowing that the slice of the leather wasn’t as harsh if I was relaxed. The next strike landed high on my back; I wasn’t expecting it and jumped a little sucking in my breath with surprise.

Master grabbed a handful of my hair pulling my head back while another blow landed on my ass. I could feel the moisture building between my legs and I moaned and shifted from side to side, my nipples hardening. The blows kept coming; I bit my lip my body torn between pleasure and pain. A cool hand touched the lines crisscrossing my body running down over my ass, grabbing my hip. I felt the hardness of his cock as he parted my legs and roughly pushed inside me. I groaned at the fullness of him buried deep within me. My body clenched around him, I had been waiting for this, needing it. His hand tightened in my hair, his hips moved, I pushed back into him, as he rode me hard. “Come for me slave.” He whispered and the world broke apart.

I moaned and bucked like a wild animal, the orgasm ripped through my body clenching and releasing my muscles, I didn’t want it to stop, the intensity of it flowed through me, and kept going. As my body continued to ride the wave of ecstasy he pulled out of me. I cried out, my body still clenching, around the emptiness. I was forced to my knees and his cock pushed down my throat. I could taste my own juices coating him and groaned, hungrily sucking, he thrust quickly and deeply in and out of my mouth, saliva dripped out of the corners of my lips and down my chin as he used my mouth as he had just used my pussy. I felt his muscles tensing, my mouth fill with his release, choking me. His hand was still entwined in my hair, not allowing me to pull away. I gagged but took a few deep breaths through my nose, and calmed myself down as Master’s nourishment slid down my throat, a few drops seeping from between my lips to drip onto my breasts.

He slowly pulled out of my mouth and looked down at me. “Good girl” he said and I smiled. He pulled me up and walked me to the edge of the bed, handing me a towel. I cleaned up and we climbed into bed, his cool body against my warm back, his arms wrapped tightly around me. “Such a good slave, I’m glad I own you.” He whispered kissing the back of my head. I feel asleep a smile on my face, wrapped in Masters arms.

The Night

2008-10-08T06:12:00.001-04:00

I listen to the wind howling outside, the fallen leaves dancing across the pavement. The cold seeps in through the old walls making the room cold. I slip down further under the warmth of the down comforter but I still can’t seem to get warm. I shiver and move closer into his warmth. He grumbles in his sleep as my cold flesh touches him but he automatically pulls me closer and envelops me in his arms.

I sigh, trying to forget about what woke me. My crazy insecure thoughts and fears always seem to rise to the surface during the night. It’s easier during the day, I keep myself busy, occupy myself with other things but when night falls and the quiet settles over the house they creep around the corners of my mind. Like a mouse seeking out little bits of food my brain picks at the threads of past fears, past hurts, casting doubts.

How can I trust when I have been hurt so many times? How do I surrender these fears to the past? I feel as if I am balanced on a ledge holding on by my fingertips, knowing that I need to let go in order to move forward. I put on a good front, but inside fear eats me up and haunts my nights. He pulls me tighter as if he can sense my unease.

“What’s wrong?” he mumbles sleepily.

“Nothing Sir” I reply.

“Stop thinking” he says and turns my head, gives me a quick kiss and falls back to sleep.

I chuckle to myself, at how well he knows me. A small smile forms on my lips as I snuggle back into his body, my brain quieted for the moment. I continue to listen to the wind howling outside the window but this time it doesn’t sound so scary. The shadows and doubts have been pushed aside and my body relaxes into sleep.

Judgments again....

2008-10-07T06:14:00.000-04:00

I didn’t think I would be writing another post on how frustrating it is by the judgments of others but it amazes me how petty and nasty some people can be. As bloggers we write to share our experiences our inner most thoughts, stories tidbits of our lives etc... I can’t speak for everyone but I usually enjoy reading the comments people leave. I appreciate all the people who read my words and those that take the time to comment. I applaud those who even if they don’t understand my relationship see the happiness it brings me and acknowledge that while it might not be right for them it works for me and Master.

It’s the people that seem to have an agenda, an insistence that their way is the only way that sadden and befuddle me. Its times when I read comments to posts that tell the writer that they aren’t a “true” or “real” Dom, slave, whatever. Who is anyone to tell anyone else that they aren’t a “true” anything? At times I feel like I’m back in high school.

Wouldn’t it be much more productive if comments were made from the person leaving the comments perspective instead of from a place of judgment or attack. I know when I comment I try to only speak from my perspective, my experiences. I may state how a particular post made me feel but I make an effort not to attack the person who wrote it.

As I stated once before in another post I feel that there are way too many people who hold judgment against those of us who choose to live a kink lifestyle for people who are in the lifestyle to pass judgment on the ways in which we define our relationships. It’s a shame that we all can’t acknowledge that there isn’t a “right” way or a “wrong” way to any of this that it’s really just about what makes us happy. If you’re kink is kinkier than mine and you are happy with it congratulations on finding what does it for you but please don’t put mine or others down. There is enough room in this world for everyone to have their own variation.

Watching

2008-10-01T08:16:00.004-04:00

I stand before you, your one hand resting lightly on my throat while the other hand gently traces my face, your thumb softly brushing my lips. I watch your face as your hands move over my body and shudder as I see myself through your eyes. I love the way you touch me, the way you hold me, your strength, your guidance.

You spin me around standing me in front of the mirror, your hand still gripping my throat as you stand behind me. I look at myself standing there naked, you behind me fully clothed, the collar around my neck under your hand, and watch as you slowly move your hands over every square inch of my body. Your movements are slow and torturous. There is no rush, no hurry, except for in my head which is urging you on, wanting more, wanting you to take me to fulfillment.

I watch as my eyes turn from clear to glassy with desire, my legs start to shake, and quiver, my breath comes faster causing my breasts to rise and fall in rhythm. I have watched as you teased my nipples to hard peaks, now they are straining forward begging for your attention. I can see the slick wetness glistening between my legs needing your attention.

I’m not sure which I like more, when you are gentle, slow and deliberate or when you are strong, demanding, and harsh. Each has its own unique challenges and rewards. I try to think of other things but somehow you know when my mind wanders and bring it quickly back to the present with a gentle flick of my nipple, a slow circle around my clit or your hand around my neck tightening ever so slightly.

I stand there like this for what seems like hours but is most likely only minutes, my body shaking and quivering, my knees wanting to give out. “Please” I beg, “please Master, I need to come.” Your eyes lock with mine in the mirror. “Keep your eyes open and watch yourself” you whisper to me. I hate watching myself come, I feel so self conscious but I do as I’m told. It’s a struggle to keep my eyes open, to keep them trained on my face as you move your hand between my legs. I want to watch you, watch your hands, your face but I know if I do you will stop. So I keep watching myself, my eyes locked with the image in the mirror.

I feel the pressure mounting inside me, I want to move but your hand on my throat tightens warning me to stay still. I moan, and my eyes start to slide shut, as your grip on my throat tightens again warning me to keep my eyes open and locked with my eyes in the mirror. I gaze through half open slits at the girl in the mirror and know she is on the edge. You lean down and whisper to me to “come now” and my back arches as I push my pelvis forward into your hand, and I lean my body back into yours.

My mouth opens and a low gasping moan escapes my lips. I blink several times trying my hardest to keep my eyes open, watching the girl in the mirror buck and groan. For a moment I forget it is me, fascinated by the sight of the woman having an orgasm before me. When my brain returns to reality, I blush and try to look away but you hold me steady and whisper to me “You’re beautiful and sexy there is nothing to be embarrassed about.” You hold me there a few minutes more then turn me around and wrap me in your arms. I hide my face in your shoulder, embarrassed and tired. You walk me to the bed and hold me until I drift off to sleep.

The other M word

2008-09-30T06:11:00.001-04:00

As I was finishing up my last post I realized that menstruation was another M word that isn't written about much. Its not exactly sexy and who really wants to write about "that time of the month"? But given that I'm a woman this is a pretty big part of my life.

I get bitchy, weepy, insecure, and needy around this time. Not to mention the bloating, not feeling particularly sexy, tired and sometimes just not being in the mood. Given that being a slave is about being in service to one's Master I would think that this is a particularly important part of being a slave. One I would think more people would write about, but I haven't seen it. Maybe I'm just missing it.

I know for me dealing with my emotional highs and lows can be very difficult and I'm sure it's trying for Master as well. I over think things, stress myself out and try hard not to let my irritation at the littlest thing spill over into my relationship with Master. I've been fairly successful at maintaining my temper, not so successful at hiding my insecurities and sullen moods.

Then of course there is the inconvenience of it all. Yeah I could probably take a pill that would eliminate it all together but something about that weirds me out. I just can't justify messing that significantly with a function my body was meant to perform. I know all the doctors say its fine and there are no long term effects but I just don't know if I believe that. So I deal with it and all its inconveniences and despite being shy about it, I will still serve Master sexually even when its that time of the month.

I always wonder how other people handle it. I'm just nosey that way. I know among my vanilla friends this isn't talked about much in mixed company. A few of my guy friends will talk about it, how they don't care, they just get towels, or how there are at least two other holes to fill so its no big deal to them, then there are those who avoid their girlfriends like the plague during that time. My straight female friends would rather eat glass than discuss this with their boyfriends, or husbands...its like the other big secret next to masturbation. Once again something normal but for some reason embarrassing to talk about. I'm not sure I understand why.

My lesbian friends are more open about it, its talked about, joked about, and not made such a big deal of. The big joke is to avoid the string when you get horny (we are a sick group sometimes what can I say). Perhaps its the difference between the sexes...guys just don't like thinking about it, don't want to talk about it with their girlfriends, girls are embarrassed or feel weird talking about it with guys and well among girls we do talk but for some reason don't share. I'm not sure why its another one of those taboo subjects but I'm trying to break the mold.

I wonder what else I'll find that people don't like to talk about.....

Hormonal

2008-09-29T06:55:00.003-04:00

I hate when my hormones betray me. I will be perfectly fine, okay with where I am and blam these pesky hormones come up and kick me in the ass. I will cry at stupid TV commercials, take comments the wrong way, feel extremely needy and adrift, snap at this slightest infraction. It sucks.

Add to that the stress of work and home and it’s a recipe for disaster. I try to keep them in check, try to remember that I am reading too much into things when I feel this way but it doesn’t always help. One distracted phone conversation with Master and I will over think my way into a downward spiral. All the old insecurities pop up (maybe they never went away) and I torment myself with doubts.

It’s at these times that I try to listen to Masters voice in my head telling me not to over analyze, take things more at face value. It’s tough though I guess in my past relationships there was always an underlying motive to everything that happened. I would take things at face value only to learn that there was something more going on. After a few blows from the side I learned to analyze everything to find the potential motive behind it. Nothing was done up front, it was always more of a sneak attack, underhanded and passively planned.

Passive aggressive people are probably some of the most mentally hurtful people out there. They stab you in the back so slowly you don’t know the knife is there until half of your blood is pooled around your feet, you can’t figure out where the pain is coming from and you start to feel faint.

Master is definitely not like that, but once you’ve been down that path it’s hard to relearn to trust in what is presented to you. I guess that’s the crux of the problem, trust. Just when I think I finally have it down these hormonal days will leave me realizing that the insecurities are still there, they are just buried underneath the surface waiting to rear their ugly heads. I know these things can take time but it would be so nice if you could just flip a switch.

Missing You

2008-09-26T08:06:00.002-04:00

I listen to the soft mechanical whir of the fan above my head. The temperature must have dropped during the night because the room is cold. The shade bangs against the window frame, blown by the cool breeze passing through the screen. I want to move, I want to close the window, but I don’t. I lay there frozen, curled beneath the down comforter, warm in my cocoon. I reach out to touch the empty space beside me, wishing you were there. I close my eyes and hear your voice in my head, soothing me, reminding me we will be together soon.

I bring my hand back and slide it under my shirt. Imagining my hands are yours as they glide across my breasts, cupping them, squeezing them, caressing them. My nipples harden waiting for your lips, my back arches, pressing them forward. They ache with a desire that will have to wait for another day.

I slide my hand down my belly, taking my time to explore the hardness of my ribs, the soft skin of my belly, the cold metal ring in my belly button, the sharp curve of my hip bone. I squirm under my own hand, imagining it is you reaching through the distance to tease me, and stroke my flames of desire.

I slowly slide my fingers over my panties wanting the sensations to last. My hand runs down my thighs, my legs part, my breath comes faster. My fingers graze the damp material between my legs my muscles tense, my hips lift. I imagine your warmth pressed against me, the hardness of your cock crazing my leg, your arm draped across my body as your fingers explore every inch of me, your lips close to my ear telling me exactly what you are going to do to me.

A small moan escapes my lips as I slip my fingers inside my panties, pushing them down, and then softly gliding my fingers through the evidence of my desire. I slide a finger inside myself, my muscles tensing around it, pulling it deeper within me. My body shivers, I slowly slide in and out fanning the flames, bringing myself closer to the edge. My thumb grazes my clit, sending electric tingles of energy through my body. I want more, I need more; I want to feel you deep inside me, filling me, impaling me, and claiming me.

I move my fingers up to circle my clit. I can’t hold back much longer, my body is on fire. I need this release but don’t want the sensations to end. I focus on the burning fires raging through my body, my hips arch, my muscles tense, my breath comes faster. I try to hold back just a little longer but my body has other ideas. White light flashes before my eyes as my body bows and the orgasm sweeps through me. I can feel the muscles deep inside me contracting around emptiness, missing the full hardness of you thrusting in and out of me. Wanting to feel your pace increase, your cock thicken and finally your release.

As my breath returns to normal, and my fantasies subside I am left alone once again. I stare at the empty spot next to me missing you.

Discipline can be Erotic

2008-09-23T06:35:00.000-04:00

Discipline can be very erotic. It has such a negative connotation but sometimes it’s almost like positive reinforcement. Master often mixes the correct behavior in with a discipline that turns me on and I often find the experiences to be quite arousing.

For instance I am still having some trouble with my verbal communication skills. I will get so wrapped up that I forget to verbally respond to Master and just shake my head yes or no. This was a recurring problem this past weekend and seemed only to be an issue when Master was filling my mouth with his cock. I'm not allowed to answer with words, just a sort of "mmhmm"(yes) or "mmm mm" (no). But the other day it was like I was mute.

We were lying in bed, Master was watching the news and I was curled up next to him, his cock in my mouth and he was asking me something. I responded by shaking my head which didn't please him, so he decided I needed a spanking. In between the stinging slaps on my ass Master would reach down and spread my pussy, exposing me, making me embarrassed and aroused at the same time. Sometimes he would just hold me like that, other times he would open me and gaze at my exposed pussy making me squirm. You’d think I’d be over this by now, I mean geez its not like he hasn’t seen my pussy before, I don’t know why this is so different, maybe because it seems so naughty and vulnerable. Either way it makes me wet. I was ordered to continue to suck cock while he spanked and exposed me, asking me questions about this or that, making sure I answered correctly even though I had my mouth full.

I love being spanked and this spanking was particularly hard making it that much more arousing and erotic to me. I'm sure my squirms, wiggles and moans were spurring the slaps to be harder, although Master was in a much more intense mood the other day and everything seemed harder, deeper, and rougher, it was heavenly but that’s a different topic.

When he felt I had learned my lesson he made me sit up, and look at him, which was hard to do because I was so embarrassed by how turned on I was by the whole thing (its one of those weird internal voices that says its got to be wrong to be that turned on by what just happened). Then he had me explain what I had just learned and what was expected of me.

It was in this discussion that I found the key that will ensure my compliance, understanding. If a rule makes sense to me its easier to follow. Not all rules make sense all the time, but this one finally did! I'm not sure how I missed it before but I’m glad I picked it up through my hazy fog of desire. Master loves to hear me moan and mumble when my mouth is full, it turns him on. Duh! Now why didn't I realize that to begin with? Sometimes I can be a little ditzy. Having this knowledge makes me more conscious of answering now, because I love turning him on. I still might get lost in the moment but I think it’s now more a part of my subconscious because it makes sense and allows me to please him which is always my goal.

After our discussion he held me, while I buried my head in his shoulder, still feeling a bit embarrassed by my reaction. Master had his arms wrapped around me, his cool hands softly stroking my burning flesh, arousing me even further, setting the rest of me on fire. Eventually, when it pleased him, he doused the flames allowing me to come in a shudder of ecstasy.

Hard Lessons (Part 3 or 3)

2008-09-19T06:10:00.001-04:00

I sat there in disbelief. I couldn’t believe he left. I struggled with my bonds but that only made my condition worse. Despite my anger and disbelief at being left every movement caused my body to betray me. I was still highly aroused, my pussy still wet, my nipples still hard. I stopped moving for a moment, frustrated, trying to fight back the feelings of desire.

Then my temper swelled, he left me here, aroused, helpless and he tells me not to come? What is he going to do if I don’t listen? How will he know? Maybe I don’t want to be a slave anymore, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I didn’t need him. Maybe I should leave.

I struggled again, my anger and inner conflict at war with my slave training. I wiggled and writhed in an attempt to loosen my bonds, or at least that’s what I told myself. I knew it was futile, the ropes wouldn’t come loose, they never did, Master was an expert at tying knots but the movement was bringing me closer and closer to release. As I teetered on the brink on orgasm I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had avoided looking at myself since he left but now I had no choice. I gazed at my reflection. My eyes glazed over with desire, my body flushed from my struggle. Then I looked closer, at the clamps on my nipples, dried traces of Masters come on my body, my mouth held open with a gag, my arms tied above my head gripping the bedpost and the glimpse of blue between my legs as I slid up and down on the silicone cock filling my pussy.

Who was this girl in the mirror, this slave girl bound and gagged, with the defiant look in her eye? She wanted to be defiant. She wanted to come. My reflection gazed back at me, that defiant and angry slave girl, daring me to do it. This was not the person I was a few months ago who took so much pride in pleasing her Master. I wasn’t sure who she was, I wasn’t even sure I liked her but I couldn’t stop myself. I took her challenge, I gripped the bedpost tighter I was reaching the point of no return; my body was on fire, my breath coming in gasps, my body arching my eyes closed and then, time stopped.

As the orgasm swept through my body, images of my last 3 years played like a movie in my head. The first day I met Master, the 6 months we were apart while I made my decision to stay, the 2 years since I came back. The vacations, the mundane chores of every day life, the quiet moments and the passionate ones; there were very few struggles in our relationship, oh there were a few but they were usually minor, for the most part we were happy. I thought of the comfort I felt in Masters presence, the safety, the love. Was I really willing to give all that up because he wanted me to cut my hours?

Pleasure, heartache, frustration, anger, fear, and shame flooded my head as the orgasm completed its sweep through my body. My body collapsed into my bonds and I started to shake and cry. I couldn’t believe I defied him like that. I didn’t know I was capable of it. I wept at what I had done this unfamiliar person who cared only for herself. This was how Master found me, I hadn’t even heard the door open but the next thing I knew he was kneeling beside me. He removed the toys that filled my body, removed the clamps on my nipples, undid the gag and released my arms and legs from their bonds.

I collapsed on the floor, my body curled in a fetal position as I continued to sob. He sat beside me calmly running his hand through my hair. I pushed him a way a few times but he didn’t relent. He continued to stroke my hair, occasionally running his hand across my back. He shouldn’t be consoling me, I had defied him. I didn’t deserve his comfort. I don’t know when I fell asleep but one moment I was on the floor crying and the next I was lying in bed with Master curled around my body. I started to sink back into his warmth, his familiar scent, his arms wrapped around my body and then I remembered what I had done. My eyes flew open, I stiffened and tried to pull away, but he held me fast.

“Not so fast slave. Where do you think you are going?”

“I….I’m not sure, Sir, I…I just, I....” I stumbled over my words and thoughts, “I don’t know.” I said my body softening in defeat. “I’m so sorry.” I felt the tears forming in the corner of my eyes again.

“Do you want to be released?” He whispered into my hair.

It took me a moment to understand what he was asking. “I thought I did Sir.” I whispered.

“Do you still?”

I thought back on all that had happened over the last month, my struggle with the rules, and my stress over work, my blatant defiance only a few hours ago. Did I still want to be released? Or was I acting out, pushing the limits as a child would in an effort for him to exercise his control over me. Was this my way of proving to myself that no matter what he would still be here, looking out for me, doing what he thought was best for me even when I don’t see it myself? Or was I just so wrapped up in work that I hadn’t seen what I was doing to myself, to us? I didn’t know the reasons I was doing the things I was doing but I knew that I had been making myself crazy for the last month. If I really let myself think about things rationally I knew that Masters new restrictions were in my best interest but who said I was rational? I knew that he didn’t impose rules to be mean, he did them to build structure to our lives, and they weren’t unrealistic.

“I asked you a question slave.” Master said interrupting my thoughts.

“I’m sorry Sir. I…no, no I don’t Master, if you still want me, I want to stay. I’m sorry Sir, I don’t know what’s wrong, and I’m not sure how to fix it.” My words started coming faster, as the tears started running down my face. “I was disobedient today Sir, I came when you told me not to, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I did that, I don’t want to leave Sir, I want to be here. I need to be here. I’m happy here. Well, if I'm honest, I’m not really happy anywhere right now Sir, I’m not sure what’s going on, forgive me Master, I didn’t mean to ……”

Master put his hand over my mouth.We’ll deal with that later. I don’t want to release you but I won’t keep you if you want to leave. The rest we can work out. My rules remain in place, you are to keep to 9-5 hours and you are to relinquish your blackberry when you come home. You will meditate and get back to your yoga practice at least three times a week. We will discuss this again and your defiance in a few weeks or so. You are overworked and overstressed we need to correct that before anything else can be accomplished. Do you understand slave?”

I felt myself bristle at his words, the defiant woman from the mirror returning but I pushed her back down and leaned back into him “Yes Sir.” I replied.

*********************************************************************************

The first few days were difficult. I didn’t make it home on time and I struggled to leave the office feeling like a slacker by not staying. I tried talking to Master about it but he wouldn’t relent. I felt frustrated thinking about all the work that was piling up that I should be accomplishing. My yoga and meditation practice were next to impossible, I couldn’t focus, my mind kept returning to work but I kept at it, trying to surrender. Relinquishing my cell phone was by far the most difficult though. I was like a junkie needing a fix. The first day Master put it up on a shelf and within 2 hours I was hauling a chair over to try to reach it. Of course I was caught, and the cell phone was then locked in his office. I found myself coming up with unique and comical ways to break in to the office without getting caught which I never followed through with but they occupied a great deal of my thinking. There were moments I found myself sitting on the floor outside the door, leaning against it weeping. I was a mess.

By week the end of week 2 I was actually feeling calmer. I was making it home from work on time, I wasn’t as distracted by the loss of my cell phone when I walked in the door and yoga and meditation weren’t such a struggle anymore. I felt lighter, more at ease. Since I knew I only had a set amount of time at work to get things accomplished I found I was prioritizing better, delegating work and getting more accomplished in a quicker period of time.

At the beginning of week three, I walked into the house at 5pm and went straight to Masters office to relinquish my phone. He was sitting at his desk. I knocked and waited for him to invite me in. When he turned and told me to enter I walked over to him, dropped to my knees at his feet and put my head in his lap. I wasn’t expected to do that but it felt right.

“What’s the matter slave?” He asked.

“Nothing Sir, everything is wonderful. I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible lately. You were right, I was putting too my stress on myself. Thank you Sir, for seeing what I needed and forcing me to take care of myself. Forgive me for doubting you and your motives.”

Master lifted my face up to look at him. “There is nothing to forgive slave, you were not yourself. I take partial blame, I am responsible for you and I should have stopped it long before it got so bad. We will start again, a clean slate. Your past indiscretions are erased, from here we move forward.”

I looked up at him, in disbelief, relief and love; tears started flowing down my face.“Thank you Sir. You are too kind, I don’t deserve….”

He grabbed my chin and slapped me sharply but not hard across the face. “I don’t want to hear that again.” He said sternly “You are a good, loyal slave, you are too hard on yourself. Now go change, we have plans for dinner.” He leaned down and kissed me. A kiss filled with promise and passion.

“Yes Sir. Thank you Master.” I said getting slowly to my feet. I placed my cell phone on his desk and turned to leave.

“You may keep that slave.” He said pointing to the phone.

“No Sir, I don’t think I’m ready yet.” I said and walked out to go get ready for dinner. I smiled as I walked through the house, I felt light, and happy. I practically glided up the stairs thinking about what I could find to wear that would please Master. Hoping that dinner would be short and we could come home early and spend some much needed quality time in bed or in the living room, or the kitchen or….I shuddered as my imagination took over.

Hard Lessons (part 2 of 3)

2008-09-18T06:14:00.001-04:00

I hadn’t realized Master had stopped the whipping until his cool hand touch my ass. I moaned and wiggled into his hand. I felt him spread my ass cheeks, felt the cold wetness of lube and then the pressure of something cool being pushed into me. It hurt a little and then I felt myself relax into the sensation.

“Kneel by the bedpost slave.” He said.

I dropped to the floor by the foot of the bed.

“Put a foot on either side of the leg of the bed slave, and raise your arms above your head to grab the post.”

I did as I was told, my ass was on fire and each little movement caused the plug in my ass to move sending little ripples of pleasure through my body. Master tied my ankles together and then to the bedpost so that I couldn’t move. He then went to work securing my wrists to the post above my head. The mattress prevented me from sliding my hands down very far.

He reached out and pinched my nipples, making them swell, I groaned and pressed forward into his hand. It had been a few weeks since he had touched me this way and I didn’t realize how much I had missed it. He walked over to the night stand and took a few more things out of the drawer throwing a few things on the bed. I shivered in anticipation.

He walked back to where I was bound, knelt in front of me and looked at me. I couldn’t understand his expression, he almost looked sad. He seemed to be searching for something in my face; I’m not sure if he found it but he leaned in and kissed me. It was a deep passionate kiss that left me tingling all over. I leaned my head back against the bedpost, my eyes still closed. I felt his hand graze my breast and groaned, and then I felt the tight pinch of a clamp closing on my nipple. I gasped and my eyes shot open as a second clamp closed over my other nipple the little chain connecting them swinging softly across my belly tickling me.

“Spread your knees slave.” He said to me and reached out to slide his fingers through my wetness. He slid two fingers inside me making me wiggle and groan unfortunately they didn’t remain there long. He pulled them out as I whimpered and a shoved them in my mouth. I sucked on them greedily and when he removed them I whimpered and pouted. He ran his thumb across my lips and reached up onto the bed to retrieve one of the objects he had placed there.

It was a large blue dildo, one I hadn’t seen before. “Sit up a bit so I can fit this in place” he said. .My eyes widened, and I gasped as he slid the tip into my pussy. “Now lower down on it so that it is fully inside you.” He said

I slowly lowered myself down moaning as I felt it slide into place, pushing against the plug in my ass making me feel completely full. I writhed and wiggled creating new even more intense sensations to ripple through my body.

Master stood up and looked down on me bound to the bedpost my pussy and ass filled “Take care slave, you don’t have permission to come and I have more planned for you.” He said.

I looked up at him, my eyes glazed. “Yes Master.” I said, trying to remain still.

He unzipped his pants, pushing them down so that I could gaze hungrily at his hard cock. “Do you want this?” he asked?

“Yes.” I whispered.

He sighed, “Yes what slave?”

“Yes Master I want to taste you.”

He grabbed a handful of my hair and shoved his cock into my mouth. It was violent and unexpected and I gagged and fought my restraints. Finally I relaxed into it and caught the rhythm of his body as he slid his cock in and out from between my lips. I ran my tongue up and down his length occasionally circling the tip. Every so often he would thrust a bit too deep making me gag. The motion he created in my body as he thrust in and out of my mouth made me rock back and forth on the dildo stuffed in my pussy which in turn pushed on the plug in my ass, I felt completely used. Every hole was filled, and I could feel my arousal building. I moaned and whimpered. Master reached out and pulled on the little chain attached to the clamps on my nipples. The sharp pain brought me back to what I was doing instead of giving myself over to the sensations. I needed to focus on the task otherwise I knew I would come.

Just as abruptly as it had begun Master pulled out of my mouth and I watched as he brought himself to orgasm, covering my face and chest with his come, once again marking me. He walked away and I heard him in the bathroom cleaning up. He came back out and grabbed a full length mirror that was leaning against the wall and brought it over to where I was. He propped it up in front of me so I could see myself bound to the bed, his come covering me and dripping down my body; the blue of the base of the dildo in my pussy just visible between my legs. He reached up on the bed for what I thought was a towel to clean me off.

“Open” He said to me.

I looked at him quizzically but complied. He slid a ring gag in my mouth, secured it behind my head, loosened the clamps on my nipples and stepped back.

“Look in the mirror slave, this is who you are. You are a slave, my property. I own you. You seem to have forgotten that. I’m going to leave you here for a while, your pussy and ass filled, your mouth held open by that ring, and your body covered with my come. I think you need a reminder of your place and who you answer to. I know you are very aroused but you are not allowed to come. Nod your head if you understand.”

I nodded my head in understanding and disbelief. I was angry. I felt defiant. How dare he do this to me, work me up like this and leave. It wasn’t fair.

“The look in your eyes tells me I am right in doing this. You seem to think you have choices, that you are a free woman. You aren’t, you gave up that right when you accepted my collar. This is for your own good. I’ll be back in a little while to check on you.” He said and walked out shutting the door.

Hard Lessons (part 1 of 3)

2008-09-17T06:18:00.003-04:00

This is a work of fiction......

I lay curled up on the bed, my body wrapped around his pillow inhaling his scent. Tears streamed down my face. Life had not been so easy lately. Work is consuming me. I am completely stressed out and it is spilling into our personal life. I am staying longer at the office, and when I'm not there I am glued to my computer or phone. My patience has worn thin and I am being short tempered and bratty with everyone around me including Master. I can see the strain this is taking on our relationship. He is spending more time out, I will often come home to hear him in the basement training another slave and he hasn’t used me in weeks. Today I came home from work to a note telling me to wait for him in the bedroom, that there were things we needed to discuss.

I was terrified. Did Master find a new slave to take my place? Was he so fed up with my behavior that he was going to release me? I knew I hadn’t been an obedient slave recently; in fact I had been the exact opposite.

I had been lectured and punished more in the last few weeks than I had in the last 2 years. I knew it couldn’t go on like this forever but I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

I heard Master downstairs; my heart started beating even faster. I wasn’t ready for this, I didn’t want to face him, didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I heard the door open and Masters footsteps as he came in the room and sat down in the chair across from the bed.

“Come here slave.” He said.

I looked up at him over the pillow tears staining my cheeks and slowly unwound my body from his pillow and walked across the room to him. I stood before him, my head lowered tears continuing to run down my face.

"Strip and kneel."

I nodded my head in understanding and started to undress. My hands were shaking and my stomach was in knots. I folded my clothes, put them on the bed and walked back over to kneel at his feet.

“We have a problem.” He said and reached out to touch the collar around my neck.

As his fingers brushed the lock at my throat a cry escaped my lips, my body bent forward my head touching his knee, “Please Master, I’m sorry, I know I’ve been a bad slave I don’t know what’s wrong, please don’t release me.” I gasped between sobs.

I felt his hands on my face trying to get me to look at him, but I wouldn’t lift my head. I didn’t want to see his face; see the disappointment, the anger. His hand wrapped tightly in my hair and he forced my head back so I was looking at him. What I saw there was something unexpected, surprise.

Keeping his tight grip on my hair, he cupped the side of my face with his other hand brushing my tears away with his thumb. “Silly slave, I have no intention of releasing you, but things are going to change. I cannot allow this behavior to continue and it is obvious the methods I have been using to correct your behavior are not working. You have been working too much, you are overwhelmed and it is affecting not only you but me and its not going to continue. Do you understand?”

“Yes Master.” I said. Relief that he wasn’t going to release me flooded my body, the tears continued but the emotions behind them changed.

“As of right now you are going back to your normal 9-5 hours, you are not allowed to do any work from home for at least a week. I will reevaluate this stipulation week by week. I might allow you to work for one hour in the evening but it will depend on how things are going. There will be no calls after 5pm. Your blackberry is to be relinquished to me when you get home. I will monitor it and if there is something truly urgent I will allow you to take the call. You will get back to your yoga and meditation practice at least 3 times a week no exceptions. I will not continue to allow your work to interfere with our personal lives.”

I sat there my tears gone, my mouth slightly open. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “But Master there is so much to get done. This project is very important, it won’t go on forever but I have a time window in which the work needs to be completed. I can’t possibly get it completed without putting in extra hours. Why are you doing this? If I don’t get this done it could ruin me.” I whined.

“I’m sorry slave but I have no other choice. You are running yourself into the ground. There is no balance in your life and you are turning our home life upside down. I can’t allow it any longer. I shouldn’t have allowed it to continue as long as it did. I was hoping that you would be able to find some balance on your own but you are too wrapped up in it and not seeing things clearly. If you won’t take care of yourself, I will do it for you.”

“But Master, this could wreck my career. You know how much my work means to me, why are you doing this to me?”

“I know what your career means to you, but before anything else you are my slave. You knew the rules when you came back 2 years ago. I allowed you to continue with your career but I also warned you if it started to interfere with our life that there would be changes. I think you may find that if you slow down, and get some balance in your life that your project won’t feel as overwhelming and you will get more accomplished. You will start to prioritize things more, becoming more efficient. This is not a punishment slave, even though it may feel like one. Your health and our relationship are on the line here. I can’t sit back and watch you self destruct. It’s not going to happen.”

“Please don’t do this Master, I don’t understand. Why are you forcing me to choose between you and my work?”

“I’m not forcing you to do anything slave. You are mine. You don’t have choices. Perhaps I have been too lenient with you and you have forgotten what you are.You work because I allow it. I had no plans for anything but a discussion today but perhaps I need to remind you what that collar around your neck means. It is not just some pretty bauble; it is a sign of ownership. You are my property. I think it’s time you are reminded of that. Go lean over the edge of the bed I think I’m going to whip you.”

“But I thought we were going to…” I started to say.

“The discussion is over.” He said interrupting me, “we need to break the cycle and you need a reminder of your place. Apparently I have been too lenient with you lately. Now do as your told slave.” He said forcefully.

I stood up and walked over to the bed, bending my body in half waiting. There were so many thoughts and feelings running through my head. I kept repeating over and over to myself “he just doesn’t understand”, followed by “I’m just going to do what I need to do, who does he think he is, telling me what to do?” This last thought was interrupted by the sharp sting of the whip as it snapped the flesh on my ass.

Master couldn’t have timed that one better I thought and I sucked in my breath. The impact drove home the reminder of exactly who he is. He is my Owner this is what I wanted. What would I do if I truly had to choose between Master and my career? I had no idea. I didn’t want to think about it. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do about these new rules. I was hoping we could talk about it some more later, when he was calmer, maybe I could get him to understand.

I heard the sound of the whip slicing through the air for its second strike before I actually felt the bite. I made the mistake of tensing at the noise making the impact worse. I hissed and buried my face in the blanket. Soon all thoughts of work and convincing Master that the new rules were too harsh left, all I could think about was the sting of Masters whip, and the multitude of sensations it awoke in my body; pain, warmth, arousal.

The M Word

2008-09-13T07:59:00.006-04:00

Just a quick update to say Master was gracious as always, my plea for release was granted which was a good thing because I think everyone around me was starting to wonder what my problem was. I lost my temper several times, had no concentration, and was just downright cranky most of the day.

When I was finally able to use Masters token it was bliss. There is something to be said for getting extremely aroused and frustrated before being able to come. The orgasms are more powerful, your body feels the release that much more. I went from being a cranky annoying brat to peaceful, playful and fun. I felt the tension in my muscles dissolve as my body quivered and convulsed and released.

Writing this I realize how little people talk about masturbation. Its such a taboo subject. I read all these blogs and very rarely (although there are a few) do you ever see anyone write about self pleasure. They will write about anal sex, oral sex, rope play, different fetishes, sadistic tendencies but they never reveal that they masturbate. I find that fascinating. Is masturbation more taboo then telling the world you like to get tied up, spanked and taken in the ass?

I have written several posts on the subject, to me it's natural but even I have a hard time asking Master to allow me to please myself. Sometimes that's more out of a desire to keep myself in a certain state for him, but sometimes its just out of embarrassment that even though he made me come 8 times only a few days ago I need it again! My problem isn't being embarrassed about masturbating its more about coming to terms with my high sex drive. Its still so taboo for women to have a high sex drive, and it is ridiculed so much you that you start to wonder if there isn't something wrong with you, but that's a different post.

We are sexual creatures and there isn't always someone around to help you out with your sexual needs and sometimes (shhhhh, this one is really taboo) you just want to do it yourself. I mean who knows your body better than you do? If your answer was someone other than yourself than you need to lock yourself in a room and explore your body until you know it best. If I don't know what pleases me or how I like to be touched how can I tell my partner? They aren't omnipotent, sometimes they need direction. I know I find it extremely helpful when Master tells me what makes him feel good. I want to please him but I didn't always know what types of things rocked his world. Guidance can be key to having a satisfying sexual relationship.

How often do you hear people, particularly women say that their partner doesn't always know how to bring them to orgasm? I hear it all the time (women for some reason like to talk about these things when we drink). I feel sorry for these women, when I ask if they tell their partners what they want they look at me shocked. "No way" is the response I often hear, "that would be too embarrassing. " Too embarrassing? Its better to be left sexually frustrated than it is to tell the person you are engaged in one of the most intimate acts with that he/she needs to move a little to the left or you want more pressure here or there or to pull your hair? That's crazy! I know some of the more kinky stuff might be hard to discuss but no one should deny themselves pleasure because they are too embarrassed to tell their partner what gets them off.

Okay so my quick little post turned out to be a bit longer than expected but this is an important subject. Masturbation is normal! It's healthy, it has an stupid sounding name but its fun, more people should do it. And just as a little side note most of the blogs I read that do talk about this subject are written by women. I know the men out there are masturbating, so why aren't they writing about it? Just one of those interesting observations that make me wonder.

Surrender

2008-09-12T07:04:00.004-04:00

Apparently the universe has decided that surrender is a lesson that I need to learn now. It seems everywhere I go someone is talking about surrender, its weird how that happens.

I had my revelation regarding submission over the weekend. Who knew that being on my knees holding Masters cock in my mouth while he read, did work or watched TV would turn out to be the beginning of some personal growth lesson the universe had planned for me.

This week I went to see someone about an old injury that has flared up and is causing me great amounts of discomfort and what did they say? What I need to do is surrender to the pain and injury. I keep trying to push my body to do things it can't do when this injury flares up the way it is so I need to listen to it and surrender, accept what my body is capable of at the moment.

Then I go to yoga and they talk about surrendering to the pose. If you surrender to the pose, not worry about what happens before or after, just enjoy where you are at the moment you can do it forever. Let go of any judgments, preconceived notions and just be okay with where you are in the moment.

Okay universe, I get it! I need to let go of thoughts of how I think something should be and just be okay with how they are. This should be easy right? Not so easy for someone with a type A personality that pushes herself to the limits on a daily basis. At least I have conscious awareness of it now and know what I need to do when I feel myself get antsy about something.

I'm not sure this surrender thing is working so well on my state of arousal. Master has been teasing me all week and I think if I surrender into the feelings I would come instantly. I finally got to the point where last night I was trying to subtly get Master to allow me to pleasure myself. He just chuckled and said all I needed to do was ask.

Well this is a tough one for me and I also know that just because I ask my request won't be granted (Sometimes being a slave can be frustrating). I finally broke down and asked and I could hear the smirk in his voice as he told me he would think about it. That I should try to get some sleep but if I was really having a hard time to call him back and he would allow me to come. Of course on principle I couldn't do that (my stubborn streak is really a problem sometimes!) So okay maybe I need a little more work in the area of surrender because otherwise I would have called him right back! Instead I was plagued with erotic dreams and sit here frustrated without release. I guess it's now time to let go, surrender and either accept my condition or go ask Master for release....who am I kidding I'm going to go make the most impassioned plea for release I can! I can't take it anymore, my imagination is way too vivid.

When its about Submission

2008-09-11T06:10:00.004-04:00

(Master felt that this post deserved a real photo of his slave performing her favorite service)

At the beginning of August I wrote a post called Challenging Tasks where I wrote about how Master often orders me to just stay still when he is inside me, whether it is my pussy, my ass or my mouth. Holding still is like torture to me. I pout, I whine, and sometimes I just can’t do it, which is usually when I get restrained.

Holding Master in my mouth for longer than 2 minutes without getting twitchy and irritated has been even more difficult for me than when Master’s cock is impaled in my pussy and I feel a strong desire to come. I don’t know why, maybe it’s my love of oral sex but something about this task finally clicked with me this weekend. This task is more about submission than it is about sucking cock! Brilliant you say, how long did it take me to figure this one out? Well too long, I guess I was taking the whole thing too literal and not reading between the lines so to speak. It might have been easier had Master just told me this was the point of the task but I guess that would have been defeating the purpose, or maybe he did but it didn’t register because it didn’t make sense to me until that moment.

To hold Master in my mouth without much active cock sucking always made me feel like it was a pointless task. I’m a doer, give me a project and I get it done, I like to see results, but this didn’t seem to have a point and it made me crazy. This weekend the light bulb finally went off and I finally understood. It’s not about the results, or rather it is but the result wasn’t what I thought it was. It wasn’t about orgasm or having Master lovingly come down my throat, it was about submission; letting go of the need for there to be a result and just performing the task to the best of my ability. When I finally let go of thinking about how irritatingly pointless it was and how much more entertaining it would be to be moving, swirling my tongue around his cock, feeling the smooth firmness of him slide in and ….okay well you see my point.

When I let go and just focused on holding him while he read the paper. Occasionally I would have to move a bit running my tongue up and down sliding him out of my mouth until just the tip was between my lips and then all the way back down so he was buried deep in my throat, the temptation was too much. But I didn’t feel like I was on a mission when I was doing it this time, it was slower and more serene and I found myself relaxing and releasing the need for it to be any different than what it was. It was still pleasurable but in a different way, almost meditative. My mind quieted and I felt peace. It wasn’t until Master told me that I had been at this for almost 30 minutes that I was shocked.

I went from not being able to hold still for more than 2 minutes to doing it for 30! I couldn’t believe that was possible and that’s when it clicked. I had finally surrendered. I stopped struggling and gave up my need for control and embraced submission and it was blissful.

Clarification regarding my apology

2008-09-07T22:06:00.007-04:00

Apparently there are some who felt that having to write a public apology was a bit harsh for my indiscretions, but I need to clarify, I am a strong, willful person used to being in charge, getting my way and demanding things of others and I need a strong hand to keep me in line.

In my position as a professional if an employee under me continued to flaunt the rules, there would come a point where I would have to draw a line and demand the rules be followed or the consequences would increase. I have learned that if you overlook someone breaking a rule however minor eventually that person learns that they may get away with more. They start to push the limits. You find this when dealing with children also. Toddlers push limits to see what they can get away with. I may hate being reprimanded, or punished, I may even voice an objection but I also know that Master is doing it because if he gives even an inch with me, I will take the advantage and use it. If I get away with one thing I will test again to see what else I can take.

Master is strict but he is also very good to me and cares for me a great deal, he doesn't hand out harsh punishments just to see me squirm like many others do and quite honestly I thought that this was not all that horrible. I have been reprimanded, and mildly punished many times in the past for these same offenses and yet I have not changed my behavior. I believe his intention was that by putting me in my place, reminding me that I answer to him and that there are rules that I am expected to follow would help to curb behavior that hasn't been modified in other ways.

I don't like disappointing my Owner and while I wasn't thrilled with my assignment I understood it. While I appreciate that some people felt that Master was being too harsh I want to remind you that this is only a small piece of our lives, you can't judge our whole relationship on one post.

A Public Apology to Master

2008-09-07T12:09:00.004-04:00

I ask for your forgiveness for my disobedience Master. I try to be an obedient slave but it doesn't always work out that way. I guess it’s that strong willed inner core that I have, which I state as a reason but not an excuse for my behavior. As you often point out to me I am used to giving the orders but outside of work I answer to you, my Owner.

I know the rules; I’ve lived with them for a while so I can’t say I didn’t remember. Although my recent indiscretions were not intentionally willful, I broke the rules. My slips ups of cursing and forgetting to address you correctly as Master while you are inside me are offenses I continue to repeat. I know that your order of publicly disclosing my disobedience and the humiliation I feel having to share my misdeeds with the people who read my blog is your way of reminding me of who I am, who I belong to and who I serve.

Apparently I am having a hard time adhering to these rules, and forget my place too often. I understand that the offenses while minor in nature continue to be broken and a reprimand has not worked in the past so the punishment is harsher this time. I know that it is your right to correct my behavior however you see fit. I can't say I'm thrilled with any type of punishment I mean who likes to be punished? The best I can do is be accepting of my punishment, submit to your will and (hopefully) learn from it.

I am very sorry Master forgive me.

Your slave

Honesty & Transparency

2008-09-04T06:14:00.001-04:00

In my opinion honesty is essential to any relationship, whether it’s vanilla or kinky, but I find that it is particularly crucial for a bdsm relationship. Honesty isn’t always easy. It’s rough especially if you aren’t particularly comfortable with the topic or if you know that honesty may not get you what you want or even get you punished. Most people say they want or demand honesty in a relationship but what about those little white lies that we often tell so easily and blow off as insignificant. What about lies of omission which I find to be just as bad as outright lies, if not worse because with lies of omission you are purposefully keeping information from the other person usually in an effort to avoid some type of confrontation.

I’m not perfect I can’t say I’ve been 100% honest in my past relationships, but I strive for it with Master. If I can’t be honest with him even when I’m embarrassed by my revelation or know that my honesty will probably inhibit my goal then I’ve just thrown trust out the window. Not to mention that while my lie may grant me a temporary reprieve it’s bound to get me in the end. It’s not worth it.

Along with honesty comes transparency which I feel is slightly different. Transparency can be brutal and for me is much harder to achieve. I don’t know if anyone is capable of 100% transparency, I’m not even sure if it should be expected but it’s something to strive for. Transparency and lies of omission are very similar and if I could accurately voice what the differences are to me I would but I’ve haven’t been able to come up with anything that would be clear when written down.

Imagine if holding back wasn’t an issue, if you felt secure enough to be completely transparent with someone, totally open about all matters, your life laid out as an open book for someone to read without burying information under confusing prose, metaphors or footnotes that no one reads anyway. What would that be like? It’s a little scary to think of someone knowing me that well but it would be awfully freeing. There are only a handful of people (well actually less than that if I am to be completely honest) that know me anywhere close to this point. There are little places that I hold back, keep to myself, places that I call my own, things I don’t share. I’m sure many people think they know me inside and out but they really only know a piece. I’m sure many of these people would be shocked to find that I’m a slave, couldn’t imagine me handing my power over to someone else not to mention the other images that being a slave conjure up for people.

When I think of everyone that knows me and I take into account the length of time that I have known Master as well as my other friends, he probably knows more about me than anyone else. I still find it hard to open up all the way, lay my feelings on the line, and share what’s going on in my head but it’s getting easier. Do I think I can achieve full transparency? I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s even possible. But I know that I have never felt a desire to reach for it before now.

So when people say negative things about M/s relationships I have to shake my head in wonder. How could something that leads you to strive to be a better person to make your Owner proud be a bad, sick, twisted or perverse? Oh I know not all M/s relationships are healthy but then again neither are all vanilla ones.

In Plain Site (3 of 3)

2008-09-01T06:14:00.000-04:00

Master stepped back admiring his work. “Very nice, you can just barely see a glimmer of the jewel between your cheeks.”

I took his word for it as my body adjusted to the full feeling, it made me want to move, to feel it move in and out of me, it was like an itch that needed to be scratched. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to bear it out in public, the constant stimulation. Master came to stand beside me but facing me, leaning against the wall. He slipped his hand between my legs and ran his fingers through my wetness.

“Good girl, nice and ready for me. Do you think you can maintain your composure?”

“I don’t know Sir, I will try Sir.” I said my fingers gripping the rail so tight I was afraid it would break.

“Good girl” he said.

From the front we probably looked like we were just carrying on a conversation. Master calming leaning back against the railing, me facing the street, but looking at him. The difference was that his fingers were expertly sliding through my wetness, circling my clit making my legs shake and quiver. The plug in my ass was raising the sensations in my body making everything seem so much more intense. My breath started coming a little faster; I squirmed pressing my hips into his hand wanting more pressure, wanting to feel his fingers slip inside me. I could feel my face slipping from neutral to one of glazed desire.

“Maintain slave, do you want the neighbors to know what a little slut you are? Do you want them to know what is happening? If that’s the case why don’t I just take you right here? Would you like that? Just bend you over and take what’s mine right here on the porch in full view of everyone?”

“No Sir, please not that.” I said blushing. Somewhere in my head I didn’t believe that he would actually do that, he liked his privacy, but you never know. He often surprised me with some of the boundaries he was willing to push. I struggled to pull myself together, to maintain an outward appearance of calm but it was becoming increasingly difficult.

“Is it up to you?” he asked

“No Sir. This body belongs to you, and you can use it whenever you want, however you want.” I said.

“That’s right, remember that slave.” He said as he slid two fingers inside of me.

I moaned and angled my body toward him moving my hips in time with his hand. I could feel the pressure building inside me. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could maintain this charade. I didn’t know if I could stand here and pretend nothing was happening as my body shattered with desire. I’ve always been told that I was easy to read. That I couldn’t hide my emotions and this was one emotion that I knew would be difficult to mask.

My lips parted as I gasped for breath. I wanted more, faster, harder, the desires becoming stronger. Master stood up straight, and angled his body in front of mine, pulling me in for an embrace, his hand still between my legs.

“Good girl, slave, you stood there longer than I expected. Are you ready to come for me?”

“Yes Master”, I mumbled my face buried in his chest, my arms wrapped tightly around him. I knew all it would take was his permission and I would crumble, slipping into an abyss of pleasure.

“Come for me slave, but remember where you are.”

My body exploded and I practically climbed into his arms. As my body contracted around his fingers and the plug in my ass, I pressed my body into his needing to feel him deeper inside me, not wanting it to end. I threw caution to the wind and became the inner slut in me rode his fingers, not caring who saw me. His body was in front of me though protecting mine from being seen from the street but at that point I didn’t notice and didn’t care, I just knew I didn’t want him to ever stop doing what he was doing. My knees gave out and if it wasn’t for his arms wrapped around me I would have collapsed. I was panting and sobbing from the strain of trying to be quiet, something I am never good at and why I often wind up gagged.

Finally the sensations started to disperse. The muscles in my legs while still weak would now hold me. His arms loosened around me. He kissed the top of my head and slid his fingers out of my pussy. I groaned hating the vacant sensation he left when he did that.

“Thank you Master.” I mumbled.

“You are very welcome slave.” He said. “Lets go inside I have another treat for you.”

I leaned back and looked up at him as he took my hand and pressed it to the front of his pants so I could feel the hardness of his cock. But before I could react he spun me around a hand gripping the back of my neck firmly and walked me into the bedroom, the plug in my ass causing little shudders of desire to build with each step and a moan to escape my lips. I didn’t know what other pleasures or pain awaited me once we passed through the door to our home but I had no doubt that whatever it was I would happily oblige.

In Plain Site (2 of 3)

2008-08-31T06:12:00.001-04:00

I shivered thinking of all the people who were out today because of the lovely weather and that I would be standing outside half naked, exposed but hidden. Master stepped back and unzipped my skirt for me as I took hold of the sides and slide it down.

“Good, now the panties.”

I pushed my panties down to pool at my feet along with my skirt. Master reached down and retrieved my clothes, folding them neatly and placing them on one of the chairs. He ran his hand lightly across my ass and I shuddered. He gave me a few soft pats and I sucked in my breath.

“Breathe slave; act as if nothing is happening. Would you want anyone down on the street to know what I’m doing to you?”

“No Sir.” I reply.

“Then you will need to be careful.” He said as he wrapped his arms around me from behind again. His hand slipped down and started playing with my clit. “I’m going to make you come while you stand here and act as if nothing is happening. Is that clear slave?”

I took a deep breath, “Yes Sir.”

“Good, I’ll be right back I need to get something.” He kissed the side of my neck and went back inside, leaving me clutching the railing, my knees shaking with anticipation.

“Hi up there are we still on for coffee tomorrow?” A voice called from below.

It took me a moment to realize the voice was talking to me, I looked down to see neighbor looking up at me. I blushed and then remembered all she could see was me standing there in my blouse from work, the rest of me was hidden from her view, but it made me feel naughty.

“Huh, oh, right, yes we are, sorry I was thinking about work.” I called down.

“Good, Sue from down the street might join us as well.”

“That’s fine. I’ve been meaning to call her.”

Master walked back out onto the porch as I was in mid sentence. His hand on the small of my back made me shiver and my voice quiver. He waved to the woman standing on the lawn

She waved back and yelled up “Great, see you then!” and walked away.

“Very good slave now let’s see if you can maintain your composure while I make you come.”

I groaned and my knees started to sag.

“Unless you want the neighborhood to hear me spank you I would suggest you stand up straight. Now spread your legs I have a new toy I want to use.”

I quickly stood up my and swiveled my head around to see what he was talking about.

He grinned as he showed me a metal anal plug with a pink jewel at the base. My eyes widened and I looked up at his face, “please not out here.” I begged.

“Just think of this as another accessory, like a bracelet or a necklace, I think I may have you wear this out when we go to dinner tonight, we’ll just have to see how it fits.”

I turned my head quickly to the street biting my bottom lip. Wear it out? I couldn’t even imagine. It would be constant stimulation, with every step I would know it was there the whole time. But I guess that was his point. To keep me aware that with every step I was not a free woman, I was a slave, and my body belong to another and if he wanted to keep my ass stretched it was his right.

It was moments like this that my mind faltered; did I make the wrong decision those many months ago? I reached up and touched the tasteful collar around my neck. I always received so many compliments on it. If only people actually knew what it meant.

“Lean forward a little.”

I complied without thought. My mind was still wandering holding an internal battle. I felt the pressure as the plug started sliding into place, it hurt.

“Relax into it.” He said. “This is going in either way, so you can relax and open or we can make this painful and difficult.”

I took a few deep breaths and focused on relaxing. I felt myself open up and the plug slide into place.

In Plain Site (1 of 3)

2008-08-30T06:11:00.002-04:00

I stood out on the small porch overlooking the front of the house. I had gotten home from work a few minutes ago. I wanted to change out of my work clothes but it was such a beautiful fall day I decided to stand out here for a while and release some of the stress from the day.

I loved this little porch; it was one of the selling points of the house. A small little alcove set above the door, like a little keyhole. It had a short wall that came to a little above my waist, the roof peaked overhead and if it had windows it would be considered a little room. It was just off the bedroom, and was very cozy. I loved to sit out there and read and listen to the wind rustle through the trees, the chirp of the birds and other insects, or watch the families out for their nightly strolls, the lovers walking to the beach and the laughs and shrieks of delight from the neighborhood children.

As I stood there I watched as the neighbors came and went; people coming home from work, mothers and fathers racing off with a child in tow to some sporting event or class. I often wondered what they thought of us; I guess to the outside world we look like your average suburban couple, I’m sure they would be shocked by what went on beyond these walls, but no one has ever seen the hooks in the basement ceiling, and Master is always cautious to put away the toys when we are done.

Often when I’m bored I make up stories about the other families on the block. You never know what kinky souls lurk in your neighborhood. In my imagination some of the things I come up with even make me blush. Sometimes I wish my fantasies were real, after all we aren’t the only ones living this lifestyle. Master has a few friends that have relationships like ours but not many, for the most part our friends are vanilla, and we don’t venture into the real time scene. Sometimes that world intrigues me and I wonder what it would be like, this life is sometimes lonely, but I’m content to remain hidden.

I watch as Master pulls into the driveway. He looked up at our little porch almost as if he was expecting me to be standing there. He smiled and I smiled back and gave a little wave.

A few minutes later he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

“Hello Master.”

“Hello slave.” He whispered in my ear. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yes Sir. Long, but no drama”

“Good.” He said as he starts unbuttoning the bottom buttons of my blouse. He put his hand on my bare belly and his fingers started gently caressing me. I leaned back into him. I love how he touches me.

“Are you home for the night?” He asked.

His question sends a little ripple of anticipation through me. “Yes Sir. No classes and I finished everything I needed to do before I left the office.”

“Good girl. Take off your skirt.”

“Here?” I asked.

“Yes, no one can see you through the wall.”

Assignments

2008-08-29T06:16:00.001-04:00

Master often gives me writing assignments or little mini research projects. And although it may seem that way, not all my assignments involve writing about a training, my feelings or stories. Occasionally they involve trivial things that pop up in conversations.

The other weekend we were discussing movies and we kept mentioning movies with numbers in their titles. We tried to figure out the names of movies that had numbers in them up to ten but it was late and we were both tired so we gave up without having finished the list. The next day this was given to me as an assignment.

I was to find movie titles with numbers in them - but not just the number, it had to be First, second, third etc.. and the number should ideally be in the beginning of the title. The movie also had to be a major motion picture not some obscure little indie film. Just finding movies with numbers as in one, two three is a bit easier, I made that list also. Why? It wasn't asked of me but I'm a bit obsessive compulsive and figured if I was going to do one I might as well take the initiative and do the other. I'm weird like that.

Thank god for IMDB! But even then some numbers just don't fit the bill. No matter how many searches on google or IMDB there were some numbers that just didn't have titles that made the cut. I added them to my list anyway just so it would be complete and we had fun razzing on the movie industry and how they really need to get to work completing list this instead of making all those other movies.

So not all assignments are introspective or erotic, some are just plain silly fun.

Training

2008-08-28T06:17:00.000-04:00

I was naked, hogtied, blindfolded and gagged on the bed. I could hear movement coming from the next room and every now and then a noise would put me on alert from somewhere in the room but I couldn’t pinpoint it. I didn’t know how long I had been there but my jaw was starting to ache from the gag. I would hear the click of a camera every so often but mostly it was just silent.

I lay my head down on the bed straining to hear, hoping that Master would come back and release me soon. It seemed like hours had passed when I heard footsteps coming closer. I lifted my head and turned toward the sound. My legs were grabbed forcefully and I was pulled dragged down to the edge of the bed. My knees were pushed open, my feet pushed toward my head and I felt a pressure against my ass. My legs involuntarily tried to clamp shut but hands pushed them apart and Masters voice told me to breathe. I exhaled through my gag relief flooding me now that I knew who it was who was attempting to gain entrance to my body.

I opened my knees and took a few deep breaths, trying to relax into the pain of his entry into my ass. It seemed like no matter how many times he entered me this way it still hurt in the beginning. I gasped and started to panic, but Master put his hand on my back soothingly and told me to relax and open up to him.

I took another breath and listening to his voice I slowly felt the tension I had been holding slip away. Master slipped further inside me and started moving. There was no pain anymore just pleasant sensation as he moved deeper and deeper inside me. I groaned into my gag, and tried to move but I was tied to tightly. My muscles ached and burned from straining to move, and from the building tension of an orgasm.

I felt a hand on my hair and then a hard pull of my head. His grip was tight and he pulled my head back bending my body like a bow as he continued to thrust in and out of my ass. I was moaning and whimpering beneath my gag. I felt his pace pick up. “Get ready to come slave.” He said to me making me shiver. I barely heard his next words I was so flooded with emotions but I knew what they were. My body bowed even more, my chest coming up off the bed, my feet reaching for my head as the tension in my body peaked and then exploded. I felt Master pull out and a warmth spread across my ass and back as he came covering me with his essence.

Master released my hair, and removed my blindfold and gag. I winced at the brightness in the room and quickly closed my eyes trying to get them to adjust. I moved my jaw around working the muscles that had been stretched and held in place for so long. “Thank you Master” I whispered. “You’re welcome slave.” He replied and left me still tied to find a towel. When he returned he cleaned me off and untied me, gathered me in his arms and held me. “You did well, today slave, you’re a good slut.” He murmured into my hair. I smiled, stated, and proud that I had done well in my training. I closed my eyes and quickly fell asleep in Masters arms.

D/s v. M/s

2008-08-27T06:18:00.002-04:00

This is such a big topic that I know I might get myself in trouble over it but I will try to only speak for myself. Let me preface this by saying I pass no judgment on anyone else’s relationships and honestly these feelings and definitions are my own, if yours differ that’s great but please don’t tell me I’m wrong. We just may have a difference of opinion.

I’ve been asked what the difference is between D/s and M/s relationships and since the definitions of these relationships vary so much it’s hard to clearly pinpoint a definition that will be universally accepted. In my opinion D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships are very similar to M/s (Master/slave) relationships in that one partner is in control and exercises their power over the other. The difference to me stems from the level of submission and to some extent the commitment.

I know there are people in long term relationships who are D/s and will take offense to that last comment. I’m not stating that people in D/s relationships are any less committed to each other I’m referring more to a commitment to the level of the D/s relationship. I’ve found M/s relationships to be much more intense, extending over into daily life while many D/s relationships only travel as far as the bedroom. The sub usually has some level of control where a slave gives that up and only has as much control as their Master allows. I know these are generalizations but I’m treading on thin ice anyway and probably should have just e-mailed this instead of posting it but its not the first time I’ve been asked.

Many M/s relationships that I know are 24/7 or at the very least in RT, but not all. I know there are people out there that write and talk about online M/s relationships but I'm not sure how that would work, I would find it incredibly difficult to commit to the level of submission required of a slave when I only spoke to someone online. For me this just wouldn't work. It would be too tempting to act out or just do what I want knowing that the chances of me being caught were nil. I need a firm hand to keep me in line and there is just no way someone would be able to accomplish that online, or even long distance. As it is, I sometimes find myself struggling to behave with the short distance between where Master and I live. I can’t imagine being several states away and only seeing each other a few times a year. But that’s just me.

I think another distinction I see between D/s and M/s relationships is the obvious, in one the Dominant partner has a submissive but in the other they have property. That’s a big distinction in my head. It’s a different mindset to think of yourself as submissive as opposed to thinking of yourself as property. One is a complete letting go while the other retains some control.

Given my own internal definitions of the D/s and M/s relationships and my struggles in the past I'm often asked why I chose to enter into another M/s relationship instead of a D/s relationship. I guess I would have to say that when I commit to doing something I can’t just do it half way. I am just too strong willed and dominant in too many ways to only consider being submissive. When I’m just Dominated I feel more control and that’s when I tend to flip things, when I feel Owned I know I can’t get away with it.

So there is my attempt at answering a heated topic. Please remember this is my way of thinking, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and definitions. This is a very varied community and I mean no disrespect to anyone. Just as the rules of Masters vary so do definitions that define our relationships. I was asked about definitions, so I have given it.

I don’t feel my relationship is any better or worse or that I’m more of a sub or slave than anyone else, that’s petty. This is just how my world operates, if yours operates differently and you are happy and confident in your relationship whatever form it takes I say good for you I support you in whatever makes you happy. We are all in this lifestyle together and there is no room for judgment.

You're not alone

2008-08-26T06:13:00.000-04:00

I waited impatiently in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me had a full cart and was moving very slowly and carefully. I sighed giving in to the wait, knowing there was no use in being impatient all the lines were full and at least I was next.

I watched the woman in front of me. There was something familiar in her movement but I couldn’t identify it. Every now and then she would suck in her breath or wince when she backed into the cart. My attention was on full alert, was she being abused? I ran through the different scenarios, watching to see which movements caused her to be uncomfortable and tried to figure out how they were familiar.

She reached for something in the front of her cart and it clicked. Her sleeve pulled up as she stretched her arm out reaching for a jar on the child seat at the front of her cart and I saw the marks. They were as familiar to me as looking in the mirror, they were bruises from cuffs. The stilted movements and wincing pain when she backed into the cart must have been from a flogging or something similar. She saw me staring at her wrist, she blushed and quickly pulled it away pulling down her sleeve. She averted her eyes and went back to unloading her cart.

I noticed she had forgotten a small container of something from the deli. I reached into her cart and handed it to her. “Don’t forget this.” I said with a smile.

She didn’t look up at me she just reached out for the container, trying to keep her eyes down, she mumbled “thank you”. As her hand touched the object her head shot up to look at me her eyes wide in disbelief.

I grinned at her. “You get used to them.” I said as she looked back down at the rope burns circling my wrist and then back up at the small lock around my neck.

“Hopefully one day you will wear them with pride.” I told her.

She stood there stunned and unable to talk.

“Will that be all?” the check out girl asked popping her gum and looking bored.

Still the woman stood there staring at me the container held in her hands.

“I think she has one more thing.” I said to the girl and took the container from her hands and put it on the belt.

That snapped the woman out of it. “Right, uh yes, that’s the last thing.” She said as she handed over the container, paid and retrieved her bags.

I fished a business card out of my purse and handed it to her. “If you ever want to talk,” I said.

She took the card, still staring at me in disbelief and nodded. She looked back at me several times as she walked away. I smiled to myself as I unloaded my cart. You never know who you are going to meet at a suburban grocery store.

Being a Bad Girl

2008-08-25T06:12:00.004-04:00

I can’t say there aren’t times when acting out crosses my mind. Moments when I think to myself…hmm I wonder what would happen if I…..but then I don’t go through with it. Those thoughts seem to float through my head when I think I want Master to be rougher, spank me longer, go deeper, pull my hair harder or any combination of those things. That’s when the business dominant personality and my submissive side conflict and if I’m not careful I get myself in trouble and try topping from below.

I’ve never acted on these disobedient thoughts, maybe because knowing my luck I would act out and I would get the opposite of what I am looking for. I would wind up tied up and left somewhere completely frustrated and not allowed to come. I also think that if I did this once I might get away with it but Master would quickly discover my game and then I would be in trouble.

I think the other reason I don’t follow through is because even though I may enjoy those other things in the moment I get a lot of long term pleasure out of pleasing Master. So while acting out might get me immediate gratification it won’t give me long term satisfaction. Not to mention I would feel horribly guilty and wind up confessing my indiscretion to Master which would I’m sure set off a chain of events that would not be pleasant or worth it.

I just don’t think I could blatantly be defiant. It’s just not me. Although if Master made me angry enough my evil side would most assuredly rear its ugly head and I may do something disobedient without thinking and then have terrible remorse after I calm down, but at that point I would be unable to take it back…that’s the problem with having a wickedly short temper it can get you in heaps of trouble. And who would I really be hurting by lashing out or misbehaving, certainly not Master, I would only be hurting myself. I would be disrespecting my relationship with Master and in turn disrespecting myself. As I said before I just don't feel its worth it, but I can't say it doesn't cross my mind.

Intimate Moments

2008-08-24T06:12:00.001-04:00

I sit straddled on Masters lap, my head on his shoulder his arms wrapped around me. Master’s hands run over my ass gently kneading. He leans into me and whispers “You’re a fine piece of ass, slave, I’m glad I own you”. I love hearing this it sends shivers down my spine and makes me smile. I am proud to be his property and I’m glad he feels I’m a valuable asset.

We sit there for a while just enjoying being together. After a while he grabs hold of my ass and squeezes harder, giving me a few light taps. This either means that he wants me to get up or he is gearing up to tease me. When his hand doesn’t move to my leg to give me a boost off him I know he has chosen to tease me which makes me wiggle in anticipation my heart speed up and my breath come a little faster. It really doesn't take much, my imagination is so vivid. Soon he gives me a few well placed smacks that make me hiss, moan and writhe even more on his lap.

After I am extremely aroused and just about bouncing in his lap he orders me to stand up and strip. After I comply he takes me by the hair, pulls me up on my tip toes and bends me over to be spanked. Whether it is his hand, a crop or a flogger I know I will soon be torn between the pain and the pleasure. Either way I will soon be even more aroused and on the brink of orgasm, begging to come, my pussy already swollen will be wet and ready for him should he choose to use me when he is finished.

Where it all began

2008-08-23T06:15:00.000-04:00

People have asked me how I was introduced to the world of BDSM and I usually give the vague reply of "an old boyfriend introduced me to it but that turned out bad." I realize that by sharing my experience I may help someone else get out of a similar situation before it gets as bad as mine did or even worse.

Older boys always held a fascination for me. I didn’t like the boys my age they seemed stupid and mindless. I think what I was attracted to was that older boys felt they knew everything and expected you to bow to their will. There was something appealing about that. I wish I had had a name for what it was I was looking for back then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten myself in so much trouble. It was the old story, boy meets girl, girl falls for boy and wants to please him, boy turns out to be crazy.

Its always interesting learning about how other people wandered into this life. For so many it seems it’s a conscious choice, they decide to seek it out, they bring different elements of it into the bedroom and it blossoms from there. I can’t even say for sure how it happened to me. I thought I was dating this great guy and it was a very vanilla relationship but somewhere along the way something shifted. It was a gradual process and I went along with it. There was no discussion about what we were doing; there was no name for it in my vocabulary. It started out subtle; he started telling me what to wear, he would feed me, sex got a little kinkier, blindfolds, mild bondage, a little slap on the ass here and there and without even realizing it on my part he began training me to come on command.

I lost most of my friends out of simple neglect. I didn’t have time for them; he always had something planned that they weren’t invited to. We started meeting other people whose relationships were similar to ours. So to me it seemed normal and I didn’t understand why so many of my old friends thought our relationship was weird. I just figured that our relationship was different because he was older than me. I took his dominance of me as a sign of wanting to take care of me, boy was I was really off on that one.

I was his property; I had no say in anything by the end, which may have been fine if he had cared about his property at all. He would feed me, dress me, tell me what I could and couldn’t do, and with the exception of school I was to be available to him at all times. If I displeased him (which was often) I would be flogged, slapped, kicked and/or forced to sleep on the floor chained to the leg of the bed usually while he had sex with someone else. To a hormonal teenager who thought she was in love this was the ultimate pain.

I was only 16 when we met and 19 when I left, he was in his 20's. He had my self esteem wound around his finger and made me so dependent on him I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I would do anything and put up with anything. He loved to share me with others, humiliate me in public, both verbally and physically, and one of his favorite games was to sneak up on me and choke me until I passed out just to watch me struggle and when I came to he would do it again. We had no safe words, there were no vanilla moments this was life 24/7.

Maybe this doesn’t seem so extreme to some people but I’ve come to realize the difference between what I want/have now with Master and what I didn’t have then. I did not knowingly enter into that relationship, I didn’t find any sense of fulfillment or freedom in my slavery, all I felt was despair, a desperate need to please and a fear of what would happen if I didn’t. I was like a drug addict and he was my fix, leaving was one of the hardest and most empowering things I have ever done. I needed the help of friends to get through it. It was actually another Dom who packed my stuff, removed me from the situation, set me on a path of healing and kept me from crawling back. I will always be indebted to him. He saved my life.

I realize now that this was not M/s this was abuse, but the seeds of the M/s relationship were planted and though I used to struggle with my desires thinking I would somehow wind up where I was before, now I embrace these desires and know that I can have this in a healthy way. Master has shown me that. It took a long time and it was hard to wander back into this world, but I’m a different person now than I was back then and I’m happy I did. A collar doesn’t have to mean fear; it can mean freedom as well.

A Big Decision

2008-08-22T06:11:00.002-04:00

This is an excerpt from another story from the life of my favorite couple...Her Master has just told her she needs to leave for 6 months to decide whether or not she wants to be owned and not just one of his many slaves.

I tucked my legs under me and sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissed him. A deep kiss, filled with longing, desire and fear. This might be the last time we were together. I couldn’t imagine it. I pressed my body to his. “Please, Sir” I whispered and reached out to take off his shirt, needing to feel his skin touch mine.

He pushed me back a little and pulled his shirt off, unbuttoned his pants and shifted his body so they slid off and landed on the floor. He reached over and grabbed me. I straddled him and sank down on his cock burying it deep inside me. He grabbed the back of my hair and pulled my head back, and looked deep into my eyes.

He pulled a little harder causing me to arch back as he buried his face in my breasts, suckling at each nipple while I rode him taking him deep inside me over and over again. I quickly felt my desire peak. “Please Sir…please…”

He brought his hand up to my lips, with his mouth still wrapped around my nipple, he mumbled “Not this time, this time you come when you are ready.”

I groaned picking up my pace. He reached around behind me and pushed first one then two fingers in my ass. I shivered, pleasure racing down my spine to pool between my legs and then an explosion of light so amazing. “Yes, Oh God yes!” I screamed.

I felt his body tighten on the brink of his own orgasm as my body convulsed around his fingers and cock. A few more thrusts and I felt his cock thicken as he came inside me, a groan escaping his lips.

We sat there like that wrapped together for several moments, enjoying the shaking sated feeling in our bodies. He carefully removed his fingers from inside me, and laid back pulling me down with him but keeping his cock inside me.

He stroked my head as we lay there. We must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was dark and he was shaking me awake. “It’s time.” He said kissing me. He gently moved out from under me and stood pulling on his jeans. “It’s time to go, our discussion about what you need to do is over, and the choice is now up to you. You can either give yourself the time to make this decision to return or you can walk away tonight and never return. I can’t compromise on this.” For a moment I thought I saw sorrow in his eyes but he quickly turned away. “I’ll meet you downstairs; your clothes are in the closet, leave your collar on the bed.”

My tears starting up again as I watched him leave the room. I quickly got up and got dressed. My fingers hesitated with the buckle on the back of the leather collar. When I finally got it undone I held it in my hands looking at it. I didn’t want to let it go but I knew the only way I could keep it was by leaving. So really, I had no choice. I knew I couldn’t walk away tonight, and never return. As much as what he explained scared me and as much as it hurt I would have to give him his six months. I laid the collar gently on the pillow and left the room.

He was standing in the living room when I came down the stairs. I wiped the tears from my face and approached him. He reached out for me and folded me in his arms. He rested his cheek against the top of my head. “I’ll take the six months, I said, but I don’t need it. I’ll be back Sir.”

He sighed, kissed the top of my head pulling a key out of his pocket. “Take this. I’ll give you two additional weeks at the end of 6 months to make a decision to return but I don’t want to see you before six months. If you don’t return I’ll change the locks and this will be goodbye, do you understand?”

I looked up at him through my tears and shook my head “Yes Sir.”

“Good girl, I hope you come back to me.” He said and turned to walk me to the door.

As I stepped out the door I turned and looked back. “We don’t have to do this, Sir.” I said, “Please don’t make me do this.”

“Think of this as another step in your training. This isn’t a request I’m making. Enjoy your freedom for the next 6 months.” he said, “It’s the only way I’ll accept your answer.” And with that said he closed the door.

I stood there a moment lost. “Freedom”… I already had freedom, and this sure didn’t feel like it. I didn’t know what this was but it sure didn’t feel like the release I felt when I had a collar around my neck and knelt at his feet. I wanted to bang on the door, beg him to let me back in but I knew it wouldn’t make a difference; in fact it would only make things worse. If I truly wanted to serve him, be owned by him, be his slave, then I needed to begin now and follow orders. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and walked away, wondering what I was going to do for the next week let alone the next six months.

What do you find is the most difficult part of being a slave?

2008-08-21T06:15:00.003-04:00

I took this question off one of the Fetlife boards because it intrigued me and I wanted to explore it.

For me it's trust, I’ve written plenty about my challenge with trust but that is such an all encompassing term that covers so much. When I break it down there are different things that I trust without question and others that I struggle with.

What I trust is:

I trust that Master will not physically hurt me on purpose, accidents do happen though.
I trust that Master will not share photos or information about me that could jeopardize my career.
I trust that Master will not judge me by any emotions that I have regarding our relationship.
I trust Master to not force me into a situation that could be dangerous.
I trust Master not to purposefully hurt me emotionally, in other words, he may do something that hurts me emotionally but I trust that he didn't do it intentionally to cause me pain and that there is some remorse for what I am experiencing.
I trust that Master will be there for me if I need him.

What I am struggling with is:

Complete transparency, I’m used to hiding things out of fear of judgment or rejection.
Sharing my emotions with Master immediately out of fear of rejection or loss
Asking for what I want – Sometimes I feel that by asking I’m being a selfish slave but I know that Master can’t read my mind so in order to get what I want I need to ask, otherwise I get moody when he hasn’t figured it out. Once I ask I know that I put the decision of fulfilling my wish in my Owners hands.
Letting go of insecurities – that would be so healthy it’s scary.

I realize #3 on the top list and #2 on the bottom seem to contradict each other and I’ve sat here and tried to write about what I feel are the differences but I can’t get it to make the same sense on paper as it does in my head. I think the bottom line is just because you don’t judge someone by how they are feeling doesn’t mean that your reaction to those emotions won’t prompt you to make choices that may lead to loss or rejection. I think that’s as clear as I can possibly make it.

2008-08-20T06:18:00.003-04:00

A warm hand brushed my thigh, the fingers lightly trailing upward. My body responded and I parted my legs willing the fingers closer. Slowly inch by tantalizing inch they made their way between my legs, sliding through my wetness. One finger then two slipped inside me making my body arch off the bed. I wanted more, I wanted them deeper I wanted them to move.

Warm lips trailed their way down my throat across my collar bone and down to my breast. I felt the cold wetness of a tongue as it grazed my nipple right before the lips captured it sucking and teasing. I groaned my hips moving in time with the fingers sliding in and out of me. “More” I whispered and got my wish as a third finger joined the other two in filling me.

The lips continued their exploration of my other breast and as I arched and moaned they slid downward. A tongue circled my belly button; soft kisses followed the tan line of my bikini bottoms. I felt the warm breath of an exhale as the tongue reached out and flicked my clit.

My hands grabbed hold of the sheets my hips lifting off the bed. The fingers continuing to slide in and out of me the tongue sliding lower to taste me. I gasped and started to raise my hands off the bed. The tongue moved away and I heard the words “No keep them by your side. I want to explore.”

I whimpered at these words but kept my hands clenching the sheets and the tongue flicked back over my clit. Seconds turned to minutes and the tongue continued its slow methodical torture bringing me to the edge of orgasm and then backing off. A fourth finger stretched me wide, the flames of my desire backed down a little as I adjusted to the feeling. But the mouth captured my clit again quickly changing the sensations to pleasure.

The head lifted, “Do you still want more?”

“Yes” I whispered even though the very idea terrified me. I heard the click of the lube bottle and felt the cool wetness of it as it was poured over me and the hand that was still slowly moving in and out of me and then the most intense pressure I’ve ever felt, I thought I would be ripped in two.

“Breathe” the voice said.

I hadn’t realized that I had been holding my breath until I gasped for air.

“Relax into it” the voice said again.

I just kept listening to the voice and breathed deeply and suddenly the pressure stopped and an overwhelming fullness engulfed me. It was a strange sensation to be so full, and then the hand moved, just a little a tiny shift which sent ripples of pleasure through my body. I gasped, my fear forgotten and started to slowly rock on the hand inside me. The mouth returned to my clit and soon I was begging and pleading for release. A few more strokes and I couldn’t hold back any longer. My back arched up off the bed and I screamed as an orgasm more intense than I had ever felt ripped through my body, tears sprang to my eyes from the overwhelming emotions flooding my body, it was too much. The hand had continued to slowly twitch but I reached down and grabbed for it, making it stop, pushing the head away.

My breathing slowed and my wits returned and the realization of what goes in must also come out, began to dawn on me. I cringed and braced myself as the hand slowly and carefully pulled its way back out, the sensation was awkward not exactly painful but not pleasant either and its removal left me with an intense emptiness. The pleasant sensations hadn’t entirely been chased away by the hands exit and I lay back relaxing into the little shudders that continued to run through my body. We lay there together a head on my thigh, a hand wrapped around my leg, my hand on a shoulder, bliss.

Glitch in the Radar

2008-08-19T06:11:00.003-04:00

I know that after such a glorious mini vacation I should be thrilled but there has been something gnawing at the back of my head for the past week or so and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it until today. I rely on my intuition, my ability to read people and situations to get through my daily life. (I know that sounds so New Agey but just go with me on this one, you may not agree or understand but its my blog.) Oh sure there are times when I zone out and really don’t give a crap about what is going on around me but if something seems off, or really fabulous, even when I’m in that weird zoned out state I find my senses snapping to attention trying to figure out what is going on.

I realize now how much I count on those feelings; I’ve never met someone who I haven’t been able to fully read until now and I’m really struggling with it. I know the word struggle has so many negatives attached to it and I don’t really mean it in a negative sense, there are negative aspects to it but its more of a frustration.

I find that sometimes when I’m with Master I feel as if I put on a wet suit, with a blindfold and gloves. One minute I can sense him, feel him, he’s right there and the next thing I know it’s like he entered the Bermuda Triangle and completely blipped off my radar. It feels like a door gets slammed shut, its actually quite abrupt and strange, and its then that I struggle. It’s like someone cut off one of my senses and I’m trying to maneuver in the dark. I don't mean to suggest that he pulls away at these times or even that he isn't still following whatever conversation we are having, thats what makes it so difficult. It's just random.

In my head I try to figure out what happened, what changed. I get in my head, insecurities pop up and I feel lost. I’ve mentioned this shift to Master a few times hoping to gather some insight into it and I’m not sure he is even aware he does it. I don’t know where he goes or what he is thinking about, it could be related to his work, an idea that popped into his head that he is trying to follow, or something else all together but I really don’t have a clue and that’s what is so frustrating. (I realize that by sharing this I am exposing myself as a slave with a control issue, two things you don’t usually find together but I am who I am). I know I need to bring this up to him but I’m emotionally challenged when it comes to sharing my feelings. For some reason I’d rather struggle and beat myself up instead of just opening up and asking. Crazy I know but to be honest I don't know if he would have an answer since he is just as baffled when I ask him where he went as I am when it happens.

Its funny, sensory deprivation (blindfolds, being bound etc) is one of many things that I find highly enjoyable in the bedroom all the other senses are heightened and it is extremely arousing but outside the bedroom I find it debilitating and frustrating. Maybe it’s because all my other senses are on alert and I still feel like I can’t function. It’s a comfort thing. I guess this is what it would feel like if you suddenly went blind or lost a hand or something. Its been a struggle to figure out what has been bothering me but now that I see what it is hopefully I can start to move through it.

I guess you could say that this is a test for me in the ultimate surrender. I just have to trust and move blindly forward. Well let’s face it not completely blind I still have the ability to talk about things with Master and given that opening up is hard for me this forces me to break out of my unhealthy patterns. To a certain degree I trust that if something is bothering Master he will tell me. I can’t say I am totally certain of this because that’s the way healthy relationships work and I’ve never experience that with anyone, which is what allows those pesky insecurities to pop up.

It’s all a learning experience and healthy relationships have never been my strength. I will say that being with Master despite this glitch in my radar, sharing with Master and trusting Master have never come so easily to me. It might only take me a day or so now instead of a month or more to bring something up that is bother me or to express myself and that to me is extraordinary. I know some may think that I shouldn’t hold back at all and they are right, but baby steps people, it’s taken me a long time to build these walls they don’t crumble down in a day.

Not having the safety net of this extra sense that I rely on is difficult but it is allowing me to step out of my comfort zone; ask questions even if I’m not sure I will like the answers, and biggest of all realizing that my insecurities are mine and really have nothing to do with him; they are about past hurt that has nothing to do with the present. They still suck but it’s getting easier to push them aside as junk or talk about them and get them out in the open. I can’t say I don’t like some reassurance every now and then but I know in order to be in a truly healthy relationship and feel secure I can’t “need” reassurance. Enjoying it when its given is one thing but to "need" it is unhealthy. I don’t know if that makes any sense but its how I feel.

Maybe there really isn't anything to talk about with Master anymore, it seems I may have worked it out just by writing this. I will share it with him though, its good to share where my head is it helps to build intimacy and trust. I will probably still struggle when I feel Master blip off my radar but I am learning that he does show back up and I have faith that he will continue to do so.

Fantasy v. Reality

2008-08-18T06:24:00.001-04:00

We had just come back from the beach, Master was off investigating the B&B. I had taken a quick shower and lay stretched out on my stomach in only panties reading. I heard the door open and shut but stayed where I was up on my elbows, my legs bent ankles crossed and continued with my book. I heard the little chime of Masters camera as he turned it on and smiled to myself knowing that that sound meant that I was laying in a position he enjoyed. When he was done taking photos he climbed up on the bed and told me he had decided he was going to have me before dinner. My heart fluttered, I threw my book mark in my book just as he grabbed a hold of my hair and pushed my head in his lap. While I held him in my mouth using my tongue up and down his length and around the tip he pulled my panties down, running his hand across my ass, lightly patting it. Occasionally he would hold my head down not allowing me to move, his cock buried at the back of my throat telling me to use more tongue or to just hold still. I was becoming more and more aroused squirming as his hand would graze my wetness.

He told me to turn over onto my back, while he moved to the foot of the bed and pulled me roughly down to meet him. From the moment I saw the four poster bed in our room I knew I would be bound to it at some point during our stay, it was just too tempting. I had started fantasizing about it as soon as I walked in the room. As Master spread my legs bracing one foot on each of the two bottom posts I knew my fantasies were about to come true.

Master bound my ankles to the post about two feet up from the bed, keeping my feet flat against them; my ass was poised on the edge of the bed giving him full access to his property. He stood between my legs and ran his hand down my body, took hold of my hips and thrust himself fully inside me. I tried to stifle my gasp of joy when he entered me. I love the feeling of Master filling me, using me as his little toy, and the feeling of helplessness that comes with not being able to move much.

I writhed and moaned as he bound my wrists together and put tortuously tight clamps on my nipples making me whimper even louder. The lobby was right outside our door so Master stuffed my panties in my mouth to muffle my cries. Patiently Master continued thrusting in and out of me as I moaned and twisted trying to get him to go deeper, take me harder, faster but he held me to his own rhythm occasionally picking up the camera to take photos of me in my helpless submission or playing with my clit making me twitch and struggle even more.

Master likes to feel me struggle. He wants me to try to move, and loves that I can’t. Even when I’m not bound he often holds me down and tells me to move knowing that I am no match for his strength and then there are the times he tells me not to move but doesn’t restrain me at all, moving the struggle from a physical to a mental struggle to remain still and obedient. Master particularly likes to do both at the same time, keeping me bound or restrained and then forcing me to stillness. To me this is torture, I want to scream and cry, like a little child when someone takes their favorite toy away. And then when he starts moving again I want to cry in pleasure at the overwhelming sensations and emotion of it and I don’t want him to stop.

My moans started turning into the pleas for release I would have been begging for if it wasn’t for the panties stuffed in my mouth. Master knew what I wanted, what I was hoping for and he leaned over me pressing his body to mine, the nipple clamps tugging on me with every rub of his body, his hands were underneath me gripping my shoulders as he drove himself into me hard and deep as he told me to come. My back arched up off the bed, my head bent back and I tried to contain my scream through my gag as he pushed me through to ecstasy. I lay there panting trying to catch my breath as Master pulled out of me making me whimper and pout at how empty I now felt. He bent down and pulled out his crop, giving me a few good smacks on my inner thighs and my ass, making me swell even more than I already was and began fanning the flames of new arousal.

He left me bound there and wandered around the bed taking more photos of his used, ravished and submissive property. When he was done impersonating the paparazzi he climbed up on the bed and laid by my head, his cock only inches from my lips. I stared at it hungrily and ran my tongue over my lips. He smiled and acknowledged my need but did not give in to it.

Master knows that I love sucking cock, it is one of the most gratifying feelings in the world to wrap my lips around him, feel him lengthen, harden and finally release his nourishment into my mouth, but at the moment he was just going to taunt me with it. Master reached out slowly and untied my legs, brushed my hair back from my face and then allowed me my reward. I smiled and wrapped my lips around him, thinking that reality was incomprehensibly more exciting and fabulous than even my vivid imagination could have dreamed up.

Happiness is being a slave

2008-08-17T06:29:00.002-04:00

Master and I took a little mini vacation to New England this past week. It was fabulous to get away and the only thing I regret is that we didn’t have more time. I could have used a few more nights…but maybe that’s because even when I’m on vacation my phone rings and the office won’t leave me alone.

We were coming back from dinner one night and as the car wound through the dark streets of the sleepy little New England town Master decided he wanted to play with his toy. There weren’t many people out and about, it was late evening, there was a slight chill in the air and it was lightly raining. Masters hand rested on my thigh and slowly made its way under my skirt. He rested his hand on my panties right above my clit, his fingers tapping out a slow sensual rhythm that made me squirm. I moved my hands behind me grabbing hold of the headrest, my back arching off the seat. I wanted his fingers inside me, I wanted more pressure on my clit, but it wasn’t up to me. I am a slave, and my body belongs to Master he takes pleasure from it when and where he wants and right now he was enjoying himself as he slowly teased and played with his toy while we drove back to our room.

My foot came up on the dashboard as I tried to maneuver him where I wanted but I was ordered to put my foot back down. I was to give the appearance of being calm as if nothing was happening. Meanwhile I wanted to scream and beg for more. The road seemed to go on forever and yet it also seemed very short. Before I knew it we were back where we were staying, and I was told to get out of the car, frustrated and weak kneed.

I took a deep breath, tried not to pout, straightened my clothes and followed him. When we got back to our room, Master seemed to have put his fun in the car behind him and was busying him self with other things. I figured I would take my mind off my misery and do a little work, so I took out my computer and bent over the side of the bed waiting for it to boot. Maybe I was also subconsciously hoping that Master would approve of my bent over submissive position and have his way with me.

When the computer finally came on I was still pouting and frustrated and I couldn’t remember what I was going to do in the first place. Master came up behind me and asked what I as doing. I said I really couldn’t remember and he grabbed a fistful of my hair and told me I was going to suck cock. He spun me around forcefully and pushed my head down where I eagerly and hungrily took him in my mouth. I was happy to be of service and would have smiled if I hadn't been so focused on the task of pleasing him.

Much too soon he pulled out of my mouth, threw me back over the side of the bed, raised my skirt pulled down my panties and pushed his full length inside me. It was just what I wanted, what I had needed since the car ride home. It was difficult to hold back from coming, it was all I had been thinking about for half an hour and now I was full with Masters cock. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else, but Masters voice kept bringing me back to the present. He moved me around the room, from the bed to the chair until I found myself on tip toes, bent at a 90 degree angle holding on to the frame of the bed while Master thrust roughly in and out of me from behind.

I was all but crying at this point, I didn’t know if I would last much longer. I was about to start begging to come when Master gave me the permission I needed for release. He wrapped his arm around my waist pulled me close to him and whispered in my ear, “Come now for me slave.” And I did. My knees started to give out but he held me up and led me closer to the bed, my body continuing to convulse around him. "Thank you Master." I whispered. "You're welcome slave." he replied.

He pulled out leaving me whimpering because along with staying still the feeling of Master leaving my body is one of my least favorite things. Somehow after all this time my panties were still halfway down my leg and my skirt was still raised above my ass. There is something about being half dressed that makes me feel so naughty. It also reminds me that I am there for Masters pleasure and he can use me when, where and how he wants.

He left me there for a few moments, bent in half, panties half down, still trying to catch my breath. Since my back was to the door I got paranoid someone would try to come in and pulled up my panties but left my skirt where it was. I’m not sure what I was hoping to accomplish since my panties were mesh and lace but it made me feel better.

When Master came back he asked why I had pulled them up. He pulled them down again, gave me a few hard spanks reached around and pinched my nipple hard and told me that I am not to pull my panties up without his permission. He asked if I understood. I whimpered and told him I understood and wouldn't do it again. Master then released my nipple, kissed the side of my face pulled up my panties and fixed my skirt.

Master moved to the chair across the room and told me to come over and clean him off. I eagerly knelt in front of him more than happy to please him after my error in judgment a moment ago. He praised me when I was done, held me close, kissed me and told me I could go back to doing whatever it was I was planning to do on the computer, that he was done with me for now. I practically floated back over to the bed where I had abandoned my computer to serve Master and smiled at the symbolism this held in my life. My work life and my slave life side by side, they both fulfilled something inside me but right then, I was much happier with my life as a slave, work could wait for another day.

Judgments

2008-08-16T08:57:00.000-04:00

The more I wander around the blogs and bulletin boards of people in the BDSM lifestyle the more I am stunned at the judgments people hold. There are so many variations on these types of relationships, I haven’t read about one that is the same. They have different rules, different Doms/Masters and while I would consider some peoples relationships too extreme for me as long as their lives are not at risk I say who am I to judge.

It bewilders me that people will post comments blasting others about how their relationships aren’t real or that their Master’s have no respect or love for them. Who are we to judge anyone? If you aren’t in the relationship how do you know that for fact?

What people write in their blogs or posts is just a small snippet of their whole life, they might leave out facts, they may only write about things that bug them or they may only write about the good times. Unless we know the person in RL it would be hard to say one way or another whether their relationship was disrespectful or damaging. And even then since we aren’t in it we can really only express our concern and our love for the other person and move on.

In a world where we are judged by so many I find it sad that so many in this lifestyle are pointing the finger and judging others.

Sorry for the rant I was just so upset at someone’s comments on another blog I couldn’t contain myself.

Fantasy (Part 2 or 2)

2008-08-15T06:13:00.000-04:00

I unbuttoned Masters pants and took his cock in my mouth. He kept a tight grip on my hair, as he pushed himself deeply into my mouth. I could feel myself start to gag. “Relax and hold it there slave.” He said.

I did as I was told breathing deeply through my nose and letting my mind go, relaxing into the sensation of having Master deep in my throat.

“Good, you need to learn that, its part of your training isn’t it?” He said.

“Mmhmm.” I replied.

“Good, more tongue slave. Yes, like that. You have 5 minutes to make me come.”

“Mmm” I mumbled as I sucked and licked him, sliding his cock in and out of my mouth. With his hand on the back of my head he pumped himself in and out of my mouth. I sucked and ran my lips up and down the shaft.

“Yes that’s it slave, you’re such a good little slut aren’t you?”

I moaned softly and flicked and rolled my tongue around the head of his cock, and back down his length all while gliding my lips up and down.

“You’re enjoying that aren’t you? You like having Masters cock in your mouth. Do you do this for all of your clients?” He asked.

“MmMm” I said.

“No I guess you don’t, but you do it for me don’t you?”

“MmmHmm” I said.

I felt him thicken in my mouth, and his rhythm picked up. Soon I knew I would feel his warm come filling my mouth nourishing me. I felt him tense, his grip tightened in my hair holding my head still as he pumped a few more times into my mouth. I felt his cock twitch in my mouth and his come, warm and salty sliding down my throat. I knew I had to be gentle now and backed off as he slowed down. He pulled out of my mouth and looked down at me putting his hand beneath my chin and running his thumb across my lips.

“Good girl. I want you to know I locked the door and told the secretary we had a meeting so no one would disturb us. I would never jeopardize your position. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir, thank you Sir. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It’s okay slave. You’re probably pretty wet right now aren’t you?”

“Yes Sir.”

“I’m sure you would like to come wouldn’t you?”

“Oh yes Sir.” I said.

“You’re going to have to wait though. You’ve had a lot of treats lately, I think you can wait. Now straighten yourself up and fix your hair we wouldn’t want to give your staff something to talk about now would we?”

I groaned disappointed but did as I was told. “No Sir we wouldn’t” I attempted to tame my unruly curly hair, opting to just put it up instead, since his hair pulling had seriously knotted the back. When I was straightened up he walked over to me and gave me a quick kiss on the nose, “I’ll see you at home slave.”

“Yes Sir.” I mumbled looking down, feeling sorry for myself, I was so aroused and was desperate to come..

He walked to the door and as his hand touched the doorknob he turned and looked at me again, “Oh and slave?”

“Yes Sir?” I asked looking up at him.

“When you get home I’m going to have you.” And with that he unlocked the door and walked out.

I smiled and slumped back in my chair with a groan, pressing my legs together. His words made it worse, but he knew that it also didn’t help that I had to go through the rest of the day with no panties. I put my head in my hands and leaned my elbows on the desk. I definitely wasn’t going to get any more work done today.

Fantasy (part 1 of 2)

2008-08-14T06:15:00.000-04:00

I've been having this recurring fantasy of Master visiting me at work. I find myself daydreaming about it at slow moments during the day or dreaming about it at night. I wrote it down to share with Master and now I'm sharing it with you.

I was almost finished reviewing a brief when I heard the door to my office open and shut. I didn’t want to lose my place so I just held up my hand and told whoever it was to give me a minute I was almost through. I expected the person to take a seat or remain standing but before I realized it there was a presence beside me, and a hand gripping my hair, bending my head back. I gasped in outrage and was about to say something nasty when I looked up into the eyes of my Master and irritation quickly turned to desire.

“What are you doing here?” I asked moving my eyes around my office because I couldn’t move my head. I was hoping that no one else would walk in.

“I wanted to see my slave at work.” He said “I expected a better greeting than I just got though.”

“I’m sorry Sir, I didn’t know it was you, people walk in and out of my office all day. If I had known you were coming….”I trailed off as his grip on my hair tightened and he lifted me up out of my chair.

“Give Master a kiss hello and then you can make it up to me.” he said releasing the tight grip on my hair.

“Yes Sir.” I said my eyes glittering with desire. I leaned in to his chest, stood up on my toes, wrapped my arms around him and touched my lips to his. Electricity shot through my body as our lips touched and tongues entwined. His hand moved back to my hair as he deepened the kiss. I gave a soft moan and relaxed into his body.

His hand in my hair tightened and he pulled back me back breaking the kiss, “Turn around and put your hands on your desk.” He said.

“Yes Sir” I said flicking a quick glance at the door.

I turned around and leaned forward putting my hands on my desk. I felt him move around behind me running his hand over my ass.

“You look very professional today.”

“Thank you Sir.”

“I like this skirt” he said as he lifted up the back exposing my pink panties.

My head turned toward the door in a panic, what if someone came in, what would they think? I could lose my job. I wondered if Master would let me lock the door.

My thoughts were abruptly cut off when I felt him sliding my panties down to just below my ass. He ran his hand gently over my now exposed ass sliding his fingers between my legs sliding through my wetness.

I moaned and opened my legs a little hoping he would push his fingers inside me.

“Close your legs slave.”

“Yes Sir.” I said with a bit of a pout.

“You’re very wet and ready for me aren’t you?”

“Yes Sir.” I said.

“Good girl.”

I loved it when he said that to me. It made me feel all warm and tingly.

I felt him slide my panties lower, pushing them toward the floor. “Step out of these.” He said.

I did as I was told standing there in my office my skirt raised above my ass with no panties. I was so nervous and so excited at the same time. I could hear people walking by in the hallway and was terrified that someone would just walk in.

“I’m going to take these. You may get them back tonight.” He said

“Yes Sir.” I said in a whisper.

“Did I ask you if I could take them?”

“No Sir.”

“Do you always allow people to take your panties?”

“No Sir, just you, my Owner, you take what you want, after all I’m your property.”

“That’s right slave.” He said as he pulled my skirt down

I felt his hand gripping the back of my head again. He pulled me back to standing and turned me around to face him again.

“On your knees slave, I want to use your mouth.” he said pushing me to the ground.

I looked up at him, “But Master,” I whispered, “what if…”

“I gave you an order, I expect you to obey, so get to work.” He said forcefully.

“Yes Sir.” I said glancing at the door again, this time praying that no one would walk in.

Masters Rules

2008-08-13T06:15:00.004-04:00

I've been amazed at the differences in the rules that each slave has to follow. It really shows the different types of Masters out there. I tried to come up with a list of my rules, I'm sure I missed some, a lot of them come so natural at this point I may have overlooked them when trying to create the list. I apologize for any that are missing.

Orgasm Control

Ask permission before I can come, unless otherwise told.
If given a token for an orgasm report to Master when it was used and what I fantasized about.
Thank Master after I am allowed to come.

Use of Language

No cursing particularly use of the F word unless I am repeating back to him what he has told me to say.
Always refer to him as Master when he is inside me, in other situations I have the choice of calling him Sir.
Always use Sir or Master in the subject line of any e-mail that I send to Master.
Use words that Master finds appealing (e.g. say panties instead of underwear, pussy instead of the V-word)
When writing or speaking about our relationship make sure it's clear that Master does not ask for anything, he commands or tells me what to do. There is no question it is an order to be obeyed.
Be respectful when speaking to Master
I can ask for what I want in a respectful manner but it is up to Master whether or not he grants my request.

How to Keep Masters Property

Keep my toenails painted
Keep legs and underarms smooth, my pussy neatly trimmed, waxed or shaved (Many Master's prefer their slaves bare but since this was such an issue for me he negotiated this point...I struggle too much with the idea of looking like a prepubescent little girl- it just wigs me out)
In whatever task I am performing try to keep my body arched or in some flattering feminine pose.
Make sure my toes are always pointed when he is using me.

Misc Rules

Never touch Masters cock without permission.
Complete all assignments within the given time frame.
I am only allowed to play with pre-approved female playmates on my own.
Report to Master any sexual activity between his slave and her playmates
Obey all orders and remember my place.
Never remove my own collar, this is for Master to put on and remove at his discretion.

Learning to Share (part 3 of 3)

2008-08-12T06:16:00.000-04:00

I sank to my knees his hand still entwined in my hair leading me to the floor. “Turn and face me.” He said releasing my head.

I turned my body toward him and looked up at him.

“I want my cock sucked.” He said and stood before me.

I grinned and kept my eyes locked with his as I reached up and slid my hand over his noticeable hardness and unbuttoned his pants. I reached in and freed his cock from its restraint, as he helped push his pants down and out of the way.

“Open your mouth and take just the tip” he said.

Hungrily I leaned in and took the tip of him between my lips, running my tongue around him.. I wanted so badly to slide him deep in my throat; to feel him practically choking me.

“You want more of it don’t you?” He asked.

“Mmhmm” I murmured.

“I’m not sure I’m ready to give it all to you quite yet. I think we need to push your limits a bit more.”

I looked up at him and I’m sure he could see the worry in my eyes. I don’t know why I was so nervous about this but I was. He pulled out of my mouth and backed up just out of my reach.

“Q” he said “Come kneel closely behind my slave.”

“Yes, Sir” she replied and moved up behind me.

She knelt behind me straddling my legs, her breasts pressing into my back her pussy pressed against my ass. I shivered from the feel of her skin against mine; it was scary and erotic at the same time. She ran her hands up and down my sides giving me goose bumps.

“She’s never been with a woman before, you will break her, teach her how to serve along side you.” He said

“Yes Sir, with pleasure.”

“Get her ready, I’m going to come down her throat in 10 minutes, and I want her to come at the same time or I will punish you both. Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir.” Q replied.

She grabbed my hair tightly and pulled my head back. She leaned forward and ran her tongue up and down my neck, nibbling on my ear. I shivered. Her other hand traced my side and up and over my breast pinching my nipple hard. I cried out and tried to jerk my head forward but she held it fast. Her hand continued to tease and roll my nipple. I moaned and leaned into her hand. She rubbed her body against mine as she slowly moved her hand down my belly, then down my thigh, raking her fingernails along the inside of my thigh I jerked torn between wanting her to touch me and afraid. My heart felt like it was pounding out of my chest and then I felt her fingers slide through my wetness expertly part my lips and slide inside me. I moaned and pushed against her. She removed her fingers and grabbed my hand bringing it to her pussy.

I resisted at first but she held tight and moved my fingers around her clit and slowly pushed my fingers inside her. She was wet, warm and soft, she felt really good. I soon found that I like the sensation of her body pressed to mine, my fingers buried deep in her pussy, and I wanted hers in mine. When she knew I wouldn’t pull my hand away she let go of my hand and slid her fingers back inside me.

“You’re going to suck Master’s cock now” she whispered in my ear, “and you better do a good job or we will both be punished, do you understand?”

“Yes.” I whispered.

“Good now open your mouth.” She said

He walked over and stood in front of me while Q released some of the tension on my hair guiding my head to his cock. I looked up at him and opened my mouth to receive his gift, my tongue reaching out to taste him. I took him deep in my mouth my tongue playing along the tip and shaft as he slid in and out of my mouth. I used my other hand to wrap around him sliding it up and down in time with his thrusts in my mouth.

I moaned wonderful sensations flooding my body. I loved the feel of him in my mouth, the hardness, the way he responded to my tongue. I also loved the feel Q’s breasts pushing into my back, her soft warmth and wetness, her body tightening and releasing around my fingers. I tried so hard to focus on what I was doing but it was difficult. Q’s fingers were buried deep in my pussy keeping time with Master’s cock as it slid in and out of my mouth. She was doing things with her hand that were creating sensations inside me I had never felt before. My hips started moving in time with her fingers, I was getting so close. The pressure building inside me was getting to be too much I knew I was going to come soon.

“I hope she is ready to come for me Q” he said

“Oh I think she is ready for you Sir, just tell me when.” Q said softly

I looked up at him his cock feeling thicker in my mouth. One look in his eyes and I was almost undone but he must have seen something in my face and reached out and slapped my face, lightly “Not quite yet slave, hold back.” He said distracting me a little as he rammed his cock even further down my throat, making me gag. He eased up just a bit and I quickly regained the rhythm.

“I want you to come with her, Q. Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir.” She moaned.

“Get ready Q.” he said

Her fingers found a new motion and I felt myself starting to falter. My chest was heaving, my nipples hardened. I felt her body tightening hard around my fingers which continued to slide in and out of her pussy. I attempted to mimic her motions but I felt very clumsy.

“Now” he said and I felt him jerk in my mouth, tasted his come at the same time I felt the orgasm hit my body, I mentally screamed and moaned my mouth so full. Q’s grip on my hair tightened and she pushed herself down onto my fingers harder and ground her breasts into my back. She screamed and bucked making it even harder for me to focus.

I was having a hard time swallowing I could barely control the convulsing of my body, but somewhere in my head I knew Master would be upset if so much as a drop escaped my lips. I tried desperately to block out the other sensations wracking my body so I could focus on pleasing him. I had mixed emotions when he pulled out of my mouth, I was struggling to breathe and swallow at the same time but I also loved the feel of him in my mouth.

I found my body turning to liquid as he released me and I leaned back into Q. I had removed my hand from inside her and was slowly caressing her leg, my fingers still damp with her come. I still couldn’t catch my breath and surprisingly the sensations in my body hadn’t ceased in fact they were once again building.

“You’re a good slave.” Master said as he ran his hand down my face. “Not even one drop spilled.” He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. “You do love to please me, don’t you?”

“Yes Sir” I said

Learning to share (part 2 of 3)

2008-08-11T06:14:00.000-04:00

He stepped back from her and watched her for a few moments. I imagined that this is what he often did to me, posing me in some way only to step back and admire what he had done; only now looking at her I realized that his intention in doing this was not necessarily to make me uncomfortable, embarrassed or humiliate me but to admire. I gazed at the shape and curves her body made, her back was arched, the muscles in her back moving tensing and relaxing as she pressed her hands together behind her. The curve of her ass resting just above her toes which peaked out from underneath her. I began to understand Masters’ admiration for the female form. She was like a living sculpture and he was the artist, it was beautiful. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her.

“She is beautiful isn’t she?” He said softly to me, I jumped not realizing he had moved to stand beside me. I suddenly felt very self conscious and dropped my gaze.

“Its all right to look, she doesn’t mind, Q was my slave of mine a long time ago; she was recently returned to me.”

I looked up at him. “Q?” I asked.

“It’s what I call her. As you lost your right to curse or use certain words I found it necessary to take away her name. She is very strong willed and needed to be humbled and what better way than to take away her name.”

I looked back at her kneeling. “Q” I whispered under my breath. More questions formed in my mind but I was too scared to ask them. Something must have shown on my face because he bent down and looked me in the eye, he brushed the tears off my cheeks and took my chin firmly in his hand. “She is my slave, one of many that serve me but I don’t own her, I own no other but you.” He said reaching out to touch my collar. “She, as well as the others, have choices that are no longer afforded to you anymore.”

He stood up his hand sliding to my hair; he grabbed a handful and pulled me up next to him so I was standing on my toes. “Come it’s time that you learned how to serve with another.”

I hesitated; but his grip on my hair was strong and he walked me over toward her. I glanced at her still kneeling in front of the wall.

I couldn’t imagine serving with her, she was so thin and beautiful. “She is so beautiful Sir, I don’t compare.” I whispered as I was pulled across the room.

He released the tension on my hair allowing me to stand flat footed again. He put his other hand under my chin and raising my eyes up to meet his. He slapped me hard and unexpectedly across the face.

I gasped and the tears started running down my face once again.

“I don’t want to hear that from you again or you will be punished more severely than I have ever punished you before. This isn’t a contest. You are both beautiful in different ways. She may be tall and thin but she doesn’t have your style or your curves, you are sexy and feminine in a totally different way. Do you understand me?” he asked.

I continued to look at him through my tears, my cheek stinging and nodded my head.

He twisted his hand in my hair more harshly than before and led me the rest of the way toward where she was standing. He positioned me a few feet to her left and behind her. He released my hair and began unbuttoning my shirt. Sliding his hands inside, cupping my breasts, pinching my nipples hard and making me gasp. He pushed the shirt down off my shoulders and let it land in a pile at my feet. “Stand over there beside my other slave, hands against the wall legs spread.”

Learning to Share (part 1 of 3)

2008-08-10T06:15:00.001-04:00

Excerpt from a story in 3 parts......

As I approached the bedroom door I heard muffled noises, I thought it may have been the tv but when I opened the door to the bedroom the noises became louder and more distinct, I knew that sound, it was the sound of someone being flogged. I walked quietly toward the stairs hoping that it was all in my head, or that Master had invited a friend and his slave over and it was them that I was hearing. The muffled moans grew louder as I crept down the stairs, my body started to shake as I took in the scene playing out in front of me. I stopped at the bottom unable to move. My eyes were riveted to the sight before me.

Leaning with her hands on the back of the couch her legs spread her face turned away from me was naked woman. She was tall and thin with olive skin and long brown hair that was pulled back in a high ponytail that fell to the middle of her back. She wore nothing but a pair of red three inch heels. Master was standing behind her flogging her. I heard the crack of leather as it snapped against her skin. Saw how red her ass was already. He must have been at this the whole time I was in the bath. She would flinch with each strike, and cry out in a throaty moan or whimper. I hadn’t seen her face but I knew her face would be as beautiful as her body.

I was completely overwhelmed with emotions; I was intimidated, humiliated, upset even angry. This was my time. I didn’t want to share it. I slid down to floor at the bottom of the stairs, my back against the wall, silent tears running down my face. I knew he kept other slaves, they would call occasionally, and I would hear him talking to them on the phone. He would show me picture they sent him, or have me speak to them about serving. Occasionally I would come over and there would be signs of someone else having been there, a table in an odd place, a riding crop on the coffee table, a single chair placed in the center of the living room. He never tried to hide it and actually the fact that he was so open about it made it easier. There were no hidden e-mails to other women, no late night hushed calls. I’d been with men who cheated on me, this felt different. But that didn’t mean I wanted to witness it in person.

I tried not to think about him with other women but I knew that it was a reality. I had seen photos of him with other slaves serving him but this reality was a whole new thing. My emotions were raw already from my harried week. I just didn’t know how to cope with this right now.

I turned to sneak back upstairs and let him finish but I had a feeling that wasn’t what he had planned. He often spoke of the day he would ask me to serve with another. I had hoped that he had just said it to scare me but I should have known better, he never said anything he didn’t mean. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to run but I also didn’t want to move. I was paralyzed with fear, anger and knowledge that if I ran I would be punished and that would be worse than staying.

So I stayed where I was, watching, crying and flinching with his every stroke on her bare ass. I could see the welts he was raising on her silky skin. This was harder and longer than he ever had flogged me.

He walked closer to her, running his hand across her reddened cheeks. Her legs were quivering. He slid his hand between her legs, and thrust his fingers inside her pussy, causing her to gasp and cry out, her hips thrusting in time with his hand “Please Master”, she said, “I need to come.”

I could feel her tension from across the room. I held my breath as she frantically moved her body in time with his. “Not yet.” He said so quietly I could barely hear him and wrapped his other hand around her waist.

“Please”, she begged, “Please, I…can’t…please Sir….”

He leaned close to her ear and even though I didn’t hear them spoken I know he had whispered “Now”. She let out a loud moan and her legs gave out. He caught her and held her up as she continued to writhe and moan.

“That’s it.” He whispered audibly to her, “It feels good to be back with your Master doesn’t it?”

“Yes Sir” she groaned, “It’s been too long Master.”

I sat there mesmerized, my tears forgotten. I had never seen another woman naked before not to mention watching her come. It was a beautiful sight, the way her body arched and moved, her muscles tensing and released with pleasure. The goose bumps forming on her skin, I could imagine her nipples tightening and her belly tensing. I found that I was actually turned on by the beauty of it.

He held her until her the strength returned to her legs, and then he slowly removed his fingers from inside her causing her to shiver and gasp.

Female Master

2008-08-09T06:15:00.000-04:00

Since the majority of my sexual partners have been women I’ve often been asked why I never looked for a female Master. I can’t say the thought never crossed my mind. It did. I toyed with the idea, looked around and even spoke to a few of them years ago but it just never worked for me.

I have no problem being on the more submissive end of things in the bedroom with women in fact I prefer it. Oh I like to switch it up ever now and then and top my partner but on the whole I’m more of a bottom. Outside the bedroom however my personality just won’t allow me submit to a woman. I didn’t get to my career position without stepping on some toes, and since I’m in a fairly female dominated business I do the dominating.

On the whole I’m a fairly dominant take charge kind of person, it takes a special something to keep me in line and Master does that. He knows just how to control me. I think he also gets off on the fact that I have a more dominant personality and I’m in a position of power at work and yet, I’m his slave. I could be meeting with high government officials one morning and then be on my knees, a collar around my neck with my hands and feet tied together in complete submission to him by evening.

In my search for Master I talked to many other people who called themselves masters but I always could find a weakness to their dominance and I would exploit it and flip the relationship, I don’t even realize I’m doing it, its just natural, but Master knows my game, and doesn’t allow me to play it. I knew it from the moment I met him. There was just something about him, his dominance was just a fact, not an act or a role it just was and it makes me very happy.